How will anyone know about Jesus without Christmas throwing up on everything?

My guess is that it’s concealer over tattoos. Not very good concealer, either.

I had a pretty comprehensive sex ed as a child, too. I asked a lot of questions, and mom used to do sex ed counselling, so she’d just tell me plainly.

Pfft. Swiss water processes remove many of the flavour oils from coffee. Also, water is a chemical. I prefer the “scary chemical” decaffeinating processes. The solvents they use are volatile at high temperatures, which means anything left in the beans after the decaffeinating process (which isn’t much) evaporates…

*spatial* what the fuck why can’t I edit this

I see this frequently at work. Just today, a man came in to get some plumbing parts for a DYI project. His wife joined him while I was poking around in the back to find the right ones to replace what he brought me. When I came back out, I showed him how to put together the new parts to replace the old, broken parts.…

You read my mind.

Lice are species-specific. Cats can get lice, but the lice they get aren’t interested in humans at all.

My sister actually did this with a bag of sugar.

good. I eat chicken menses all the time!

The eggs we eat are essentially chicken menses: unfertilized eggs that the body must expel.

I did have former employers who were pulling pretty much exactly this shit with someone in the country on a temporary foreign workers program. They had him work twelve or thirteen hour days, six days a week. Paid him for forty hours a week, and not a cent more.

... so, when my teenage sister got her IUD and she expected to be able to just walk away afterwards and this did not prove to be the case, gently poking her in the stomach at every opportunity was a dick move, right?

You know, living in a country with socialized health care, I really don’t feel like I’m being controlled/enslaved by the government. I feel like I’m not being punished for falling ill.

Her? No. She was definitely being sarcastic on that point. She was not impressed with the whole idea.

A younger cousin of mine was taken to a purity ball by her father. She had a purity ring and everything. When she was about fifteen, she showed it to me and said, “This is my purity ring. It isn’t working.”

I wondered the same thing. I’m just going to hope that there’s a doctor who’ll just print hymen certificates on demand without inspection. For $20, prove your virginity. Get it reissued after your divorce, whatever.

Some people would be rating and mocking, let’s be honest.

13. First orgasm at 14. Had a general reaction of “what the hell was that. Can I do it again?”

Quaker oatmeal squares remain one of my favourite breakfasts, but for some reason I never, ever buy it. I think perhaps it would ruin it if I had them whenever I wanted.