The first time I made rice and the tune started, Wifey asked me what in the world was I doing.

I always go for the generic, with just a few exceptions. For example:

We switched from inexpensive rice cookers to a Zojirushi a couple years back. We make rice a lot and the non-stick surface on the cheaper ones just did not hold up for very long. This led to sticking and burning.

Word.

Very few problems cannot be solved (or at least lessened) by a plate of hot biscuits.

As a Georgia boy, I’ve watched my mama do this for as long as I can remember. A bowl of bean and/or greens, along with cornbread and buttermilk.

If the world is ending, I’ll probably be able to see it from wherever I am.

My eldest son did that all the time.

I’m old school. I go with lotion-in-a-bucket for my guests.

You have no medicine cabinet or prescription drugs in your bathroom?

My favorite is now the alumni association is always asking me for money and I love turning them down.

The schools he was looking at were state schools so they weren’t going to cost $40k. We just couldn’t believe that, with our assets, the FAFSA people expected us to be able to pay Ivy League-level tuition out of pocket.

bullshit “parental contribution” amount

It doesn’t matter how tall they make it. New Yorkers will still find a way to get out.

My process:

I’d buy a case of those if I ever actually saw the bags. My whole family would get nut-kickin’ Doritos at Christmas.

Ashley Madison employee meeting, circa 2012

“Feeling personally victimized...”

The only thing that mustard is needed for is ruining perfectly good dishes. . .