I want that burger so bad. PINKHAM, YOU ASS. YOU ASSBUTT.

“Having a drunken stranger stalk you and show up in his underwear in your apartment is a beautiful thing!” He shouted at me. “Why are you treating it like it’s dirty?”

Oh he’s definitely a subscriber:

He grinned at me, lifted his kilt and without even hesitating, flopped his sad, exposed wiener onto our stainless steel counter top.

It’s funny because this applies TO ALL THOSE STORIES.

“And if you pause here, you can actually see his heart break.”

What are the odds that Mr. Sensitive wore a fedora?

I squeaked, said, “That’s four pounds seventy”

Jesus, each of these stories should have ended with a scalding bowl of soup to the dick for the men involved.

The story about the cancer-free anniversary “date” is one of the most pathetic things I’ve ever read. That’s some Ralph Wiggum/Lisa Simpson shit right there.

I hope your asshole writes a bestseller countering all of your dick’s accusations, and that the two of them become embroiled in a decades-long media feud.

“How dare you mock the guy for not knowing what the beach is? Some people make it to age 50 without visiting the beach and somehow completely missing the ever-present representations of beaches in popular culture. Besides, many people suffer from Glorpman’s Syndrome, which is an inability to understand the…

If a customer wants a waffle that’s griddled until theres no gluten, you griddle it until it has no gluten!

Re: the fake allergies

To garnish the martini. What do you think we are, Republicans?

These clowns are WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY off: it’s actually pronounced “Cue-Do-Ba”.

The international breakfast is a half-waffle

“Here, we see a server remove the packaging from a frozen cheesecake that arrived on truck this morning to be thawed in a cooler. And so begins and ends our tour of Obscene Selection of Cheesecakes.”