You know, I was thinking about that as the shills at Fox News are freaking out that AOC’s boyfriend has a house.gov email address... So what? The DAUGHTER and SON-IN-LAW of the PRESIDENT are employed in the White House.

“This will make you money”? Because that’s all people care about in this, the darkest timeline?

Yawn. Call me when it can divide a number by zero and throw out an error. (Speaking of which... Does anyone know any Excel?)

Man, after he left ESPN, the dude really went dark.

Schrödinger’s Mexican: Lazy and will take your jobs at the same time.

You’ve seen one penis, you’ve seen them all... Am I right?

I got my doctoral degree last year, and I needed some experience teaching before getting a job as a professor... So I hooked up with an online tutoring service. It pays really well... You’d be amazed at how much the parents of struggling students taking AP this and AP that, or statistics, or even proofreading their…

Indeed. I only come out at night.

Am I weird for being sad that I’ll never see this with my own two eyes?

No, thanks. They’re having one of the worst measles outbreaks in the developed world. I wouldn’t risk my family’s health to go into an anti-vaccine haven like Italy... Or Washington State.

Is it bad that I’m giddy at your proposal, if only for the rabies outbreak it would create?

Ewan McGregor and Mary Elizabeth Winstead need to get a room already... Oh, wait.

Let’s do an experiment. Let’s get a bunch of young men of color and have them repeat the same exact scene, with a lone white senior citizen instead of Mr. Phillips. Let’s see how fast Trump comes to their defense.

Indicted, probably. In DC, no jury would convict. We’d all pitch in for the lawyers.

*cracks fingers* Let me get on this. I’ll get back to you in ten... Years.

Yeah, I can see how it was completely impossible for him to walk away. I can see how a group of girls can scare a man of that size.

We’re reaching the point where we will see at least 1 death from measles, a few cases of encephalitis, and at least one case of subsclerosing panencephalitis. That last one is the really scary one. Years after catching measles, you suddenly develop an encephalitis that kills you slowly while taking away your cognitive…

Unfortunately, my work and social media have become intertwined way too much to completely log off. You’d be amazed at the amount of epidemiological data I can get — and the information I distribute — via Facebook and Twitter.

I used to tie my car keys to my strap on my shorts when I played soccer. Only took one time of falling on my stomach to never, ever do that again.

I heard... Not confirmed, but huge if it’s true... That this was VP Pence.