Can we talk about how this side by side of the FOB boys and the One Direction boys has done more to make me feel old than anything else in the past 5 years?

Such brave. Wow.

Shall we console ourselves with some eyebrow porn?

Sigh. You can't be a self-proclaimed 'provocateur', and then get mad when people are provoked. You just jumped the shark, Gaga.

You guys have had five minutes. Why has no one said anything about Jaden Smith

So Derek Jeter is just the real-life version of Steve Holt.

Your love of Alan Alda is as hilarious as it is unexpected.

It's official: I definitely don't shave my armpits often enough to be famous.

Can I just take this moment to express my pure unadulterated hatred for Katy Perry's Unconditionally? She switches up the emphasis on the word "unconditionally" about three times in the chorus and it's FUCKING ANNOYING. Katy Perry is totally harmless to me until she fucks with words.

Did your dad survive prostate cancer? Mine didn't. Yesterday would have been his 78th birthday.

Stew, most important tips (unranked, just there):

Mystified:

What the fuck happened to Tweet Beat? We used to see funny stuff from Josh Groban, Rob Delaney, Patton Oswalt, Megan Amram and others and now we are "treated" to post after post of unintelligible conversations between "Dowager Countess" and "Ala$ka Yxxng," whoever the fuck they are.

Alyson Hannigan, with that photo, totally just outed herself as a disciple of weelicious.com. It's a plethora of elaborate boxed lunches for kids.

“Our daughter is not a public figure. We chose to be, we volunteered to be in this business and she did not,” says Bell. “I feel it’s very important and my number one job as a mother to protect what her interests might be. She might grow up to be very shy and she might not want her picture anywhere. This lifestyle…

please, PLEASE can't we stop with the "love and light"?! What does it even mean? It makes me a lil rage-y whenever I hear it

I might be the only one to think this, but Tweet Beat officially has Too Many Damn Tweets. They ain't all that special, so curate that shit a little more. We know Donald Trump is a bloated hairy asshole and that the Real Housewives of everywhere are doing things all the damn time, so leave that crap out unless it's…

Excuse me, kids. If you need me, I'll be camped out at my nearest movie theater for the next 3 weeks.

If you wanted to see pussy squashed against some glass, all you had to do was ask.

"These may have been boom times for American fitness, but they were bad ones for American breasts."