To be fair, he could just be a complete and utter piece of shit.

NO ONE EXPECTS A MONTY PYTHON REFERENCE

There are dozens of people that were willing to testify to the FBI confirming the many LIES he told during his testimony, but they were never interviewed.

What color is the sky on your planet?

My sentiments exactly, but needs more profanity.

You haven’t lived until you’ve smuggled a 40 oz into a movie theater jammed into the waistband of your shorts. Ah youth.

TL;DR: Respect is earned, not owed and you have to give it to get it.

Not at a stadium, but definitely a douchey sports-fan incident.

you mean that blonde bitch who ruined Van Halen?

Can you make a version of this I can show to conservatives?

Grocery Outlet carries a surprisingly great selection of craft beers, IPAs, etc.

starred for accuracy

Hey, I’m just trying to find a silver lining anywhere I can in this darkest of timelines...

Fitzpatrick proves time is a flat circle:

There’s plenty of times & places for Mayo to shine (BLTs!) but Baba Ghanoush is definitely not one of them.

She’s pretty horrible to be sure, but what’s her stance on Gamble v. USA or the exposure of a sitting president to subpoenas?

Aren’t most ACE hardware stores locally owned/franchised?

That’s OK, you can just buy things from Amazon!

“Flushable” wipes are a scourge on our sewer systems and the planet. Google the word “fatberg” or watch the Adam Ruins Everything episode.

Not only would he not pay you back on Tuesday, Trump would call hamburgers a deep state conspiracy and threaten to sue you for slander