Didnt he fuck the nanny?

This is lovely. And extra close to my heart.

He’s her Cedric.

YYYYYEEEEEEESSSSSSS Erika and Eileen are top dogs imo, too. I can’t wait for the throwdown.

She is afraid public will learn Brad is not the father of any of her children. - Maury

How did you get a hold of Donald Trump’s first draft of his inauguration speech?

You get a modified FitBit, to make sure you’re maintaining a healthy amount of Basic behavior.

I completely agree with all of this!

No, no, no. More liberals need to move to Texas. It’s purple; turn it blue!

As a Texan who’s had some pretty shitty OBGYN experiences and only feels safe going to Planned Parenthood can I just say

Ann and Cecile Richards.

he thinks that I’m the devil.

I mean is he trying to bribe or reporters or sell them a time share

Short fingered vulgarian

I told my husband the other day, after that awful cologne add in which Depp fails at using a shovel, that Johnny looks like he smells like stale vomit and ball sweat.

Aw, Roswell.

God. My dad gets pissed when I say things like that. Last year I told him I was on my way to a holiday party and he was like “WHAT KIND OF PARTY....?!?!” I replied with “A secular gathering of people using historically pagan rituals as an excuse to drink with your coworkers.” And the person hosting the party was…

I wish I could do an extra star for Roswell.

Well, the joke’s on them, because I’m going to start wishing everyone Feliz Navidad.