"Saddest dreams/most terrifying nightmares" will be the name of my biopic for the year 2013, and it will star Fred Willard as President Obama and a series of famous internet cats playing myself. At the end of the movie I will fall in with this guy and we will live "happily ever after" until I throttle him half to…

Actually, please DO put your racist tendencies front and center when you're online dating - it will deter non racists from wasting even a single second of their time pursuing a connection with someone who is completely incompatible, while also attracting the interests of fellow bigots - taking them out of the dating…

OMG but what if they make us follow her stupid terrible life at home! And more Larry!! GOD LARRY WHY DON'T YOU JUST SWALLOW YOUR OWN DAMN TONGUE ALREADY.

If NOTHING IS FREE, why is she demanding some other woman give her her shoes?

Hey Jenny McCarthy, I'll help with your iPhone if you stop manslaughtering kids.

I had my iPhone vaccinated and it doesn't do that now.

Maybe they should make these places hang up a sign like the one the FDA puts on new agey medicine:

The cat stays on that thing AND wears the shark costume? Holy shit. WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?

Someday I'd love to read a Jezebel article that has actually been edited/reread by the author before publishing. JUST ONCE.

I think what they mean is they want a 'whole woman' composed of the composite parts they deem acceptable. Not just any whole woman will do. I found this one, which I think fits the bill. She can be constructed and posed to fit any GOP candidate requirements for a 'whole woman'.

Weirdly, Rep. Gohmert is pro gorn!

Amy Schumer - Cat Park

For a horrifying moment, I thought that penises had become sentient and were growing arms. IT HAS BEGUN. DEPLOY THE VAGINA DENTATA.

Don't you worry, MadPiglet. In a few years he'll be saying with a sigh, "I used to piss in these."

NO MORE JUSTIN BEIBER!!!!

The Bob "Stump" VA Medical Center? That will be treating lots of amputees? Kind of an unfortunate name there.

Most of America would rather Native Americans be a group of a past to commemorate than a group still present to deal with.