I’m announcing that I’m giving up my lifetime option to continue being a fan of the Bears, Bulls, and White Sox, and will test free agency this summer

Okay, but people pay $300K for memberships to his golf course. If I invite you over to my house for Christmas and take a dump on the rug, sure it’s technically still my call, but I’m also a huge dick for doing so.

“The real question here is who gives a shit about what Stern has to say anymore.”

Any takers on the Warriors visiting another President’s house in Washington, DC instead? Maybe one who’s more interested in basketball?

Packerrrrrzz!

But are you really ready for some football?

“Sent from my iPhone” pretty much tells me all I need to know about this moron.

I’m right here with you on this. The talent pool is way, way too small. You could contract 10 teams like...yesterday

These finals better fucking deliver. Like it needs to end with one of the teams draining a three to win it at the buzzer in game 7 (which I believe is scheduled for sometime in August)

To make up for his actions, Coach Grimes has promised the athletes VIP passes to the 2018 Fyre Festival.

Sources tell me Chicago has the inside track on Howard and they’re willing to trade Glennon and Trubitsky both in exchange for a small forward and a third-round pick in the 2019 NBA draft. So, Dwight Howard may be playing Center for the Bears this season.  

BUT THINK OF THE CHILDREN!! THEIR DELICATE BRAINS CAN’T HANDLE THIS OFFENSIVE GESTURE!!!

How do I explain to my children that Antonio Brown was twerking?!? If I said what he was doing then I’d have to explain what twerking is and then they’d think it’s funny and start twerking themselves! Someone has to do something to prevent my little angels from being corrupted in such a manner because I’m a…

You included his rings as a player?!?!?!?!

“What’s a roof?”

Look, asshole, I told you before we went to the party I was going to get shitfaced drunk, make a pass at the hostess in front of her husband, corner one of the black people so I could tell that killer Freddie Gray joke, drop a c-bomb on the first woman to reject my sloppy, hands advances (also the hostess - two birds…

I have some buzzwords that describe you: dipshit, .8 % condom breakage, 336th trimester abortion, sparsely attended funeral, the guy that a Papa Johns driver checks on to see if he’s still alive but remembers that he’s an asshole that doesn’t tip so he leaves him to die with the band of his Trump underwear around his…

Trump is like:

This team will hold opponents under 75 a game and hit 15 3's. Trashcan.....no........out rebounded...yes