Who the fuck is the douchebro play-by-play man? He makes Gus Johnson sound like Edward R. Murrow.

I would just like to say that I lost more than 50 lbs in 4 months—without ever counting a single calorie!—just by having severe gastrointestinal problems combined with depression so overwhelming I couldn’t make myself eat even when my system could handle it.

I DO read Jezebel and you are out of the will, missy! I am going to call your mother and tell her how you treat me!

creme brulee?

I hope McNally and Jastremski (“One’s a tough-as-nails, lone wolf. The other’s a single father just trying to make sense of it all.”) go scorched fucking earth on the Pats and the league.

What possible difference could it ever make in your life, my life, or the lives of literally anyone else?

coming forward and being like “Hey, this famous person you guys think is so GREAT...she’s lying about her age and she wasn’t EVEN FUNNY” just makes you seem like a small, salty bitch. Like, this is not Talented Mr Ripley levels of deception.

She’s actually a 40 year old man called Lorde. Ya Ya Ya, she is.

“i don’t think the integrity of the scoring area was disturbed at all”

The official scorer overturned the call. Boyle’s penalty expired as the goal was scored. Officially it is a 5 on 4 powerplay goal.

Not officially a 3 on 5 shortie as time just expired before the puck crossed

No mention of Johnson’s foot contacting the puck? He may not have kicked it in which means it still counts, but you’d think they would mention or notice it.

I understand why it was written the way it was written but it doesn’t sound right.

Not a fan of either team, but how on earth is #17 on the lightning not given an interference call there? He’s hooking the defender all the way through their zone...

Pizza guy, there at the bottom? That guy is my fucking hero.

Tom, I like you but cool it with the exclamation points

So, basically, what you’re saying is you didn’t read the article at all?

How about “because you want to?”