What are white supremacists? What is anything? What is life? Is this hair? What is hair? Am I Republican? What’s a Republican, even? I don’t know. Give me a list of people with hair who are Republicans and I’ll research it and let you know.

(I’m a Torontonian, I’m legally/ethically/morally forbidden from saying anything nice about Montreal)

The only thing Montreal bagels are good for is getting me in the mood to eat a real Bagel.

You mean as opposed to Montreal? Well, yeah. A) he’s a New Yorker and B) Montreal bagels are terrible.

All I have to say is

“Actually, I don’t like it that we’re talking about full-figured women,”

Haha, he’s a heart surgeon, so what he really means is that you’re probably not going to die/there’s really not much he can do for you/he doesn’t care. Obviously this isn’t something he says to patients though, and I overwhelmingly enjoyed throwing it back at him after he got Dengue Fever two years ago.

Cheryl Tiegs used to be a spokeswoman for Virginia Slims cigarettes so I think I'm gonna take a hard pass on her advice for what's healthy.

Red ties at night, candidates’ delight
Ties of blue, no delegates for you

Valium.

Do we really have to have another GOP debate?

im pretty sure theyve all exhausted their talking points; the only way this will be interesting is if they all start fighting or all start kissing

How sad is Jeb! right now that his parents finally came to a school play and he isn’t even in it.

i bet you a sweater, an honorary degree and pudding pop it could.

Same thing happened to me in my mid-forties and I didn’t even get to marry Amber Heard.

Well, he did make the attractive Johnny Depp disappear, so maybe.....?

VARIETY PACK

I don’t even have a kid to thank for my lopsided boobs. These are ALLLL genetics, baby.

He may be created of cheese but golems serve (see Jeb/Kochs). Trump is a monster, but he’s a self made monster.

Well, Miss Merlan, I, for one, am grateful you brought it to my attention. Bought it. Gonna don it, apply some fire engine red lipstick, take a selfie and then upload it for the world to see. Because I’m a dirty whore who believes in abortion on demand, aka our protected right.