My friend is extremely phobic of the ocean. After years of cajoling his girlfriend finally talked him into a beach holiday. Within twenty minutes of entering the ocean he somehow ended up trapped in a cloud of jellyfish and got stung all over his body. His girlfriend was untouched. I think they smelled his fear.

The ocean is like...super deep...there could be a Kraken in there. That alone keeps me from getting in the ocean.

If it’s anything like the North Carolina beach I went to as a child, there are no life guards and many, many access points. It would probably take way more than an hour just to post signs.

Seriously! Have we learned nothing from Jaws?

I’m all in favor of banning teens, but I think this is taking it a bit far.

Sharks are gorgeous, awesome creatures. When swimming, I just happen to look like their food. Hence why I never ever ever swim in the ocean. Way too scared.

I was not expecting something so well-versed and knowledgable on an article about a forever boner. The more you know.

My dog is either seriously judgmental or just oblivious. It’s hard to tell sometimes...

That is the most adorable little flying fuck I’ve ever seen.

My parent’s dog Chester is a afraid of everyone and everything except immediate family members and my dog. Seriously, he won’t go outside if its windy, and he’s afraid of the trash cans outside. When I brought home my now fiance and Chester just got in there and snuggled him, I knew he was the one. If Chester who…

Well, this explains why my dog hopped up on the bed and sneezed on my ex’s head while we made out.

Smart dogs definitely know when you hate someone whether they’re mean to you or not. When I was a kid we had this really neurotic German Shepherd and we had to be careful because she’d interpret my mum being like, ugh, dis bitch for MORTAL DANGER THIS PERSON MAY BE A SERIAL KILLER. Like once the pushy old lady across…

When I was young (and for many years after), my mom would tell me, “Dogs are a good judge of character.” It took me a good run of life experience to realize what she meant, but I’m instantly mistrustful of anyone a dog of mine dislikes.

“I feel like if one of my archenemies offered my dog food, that traitor would ignore me and still take it.”

Pretty sure my dogs would take food from pretty much anyone. Or actually, maybe not. I mean, I think in this lab situation they probably wouldn’t notice and they’d totally sell each other out for practically any kind of treat. But on the street, they do seem to pay attention to the people around us. Normally they…

This headline was so confusing because I was all like, obviously Priapus has priapism, which is a painful penis condition, how is this news?

Both my dogs will take treats from anyone offering but they will still growl and try to bite that person’s hand if they know I’m not fond of them.

Reason #3,562,980 why dogs are fucking awesome.

For me, one good sneeze brought on by a whiff of overpriced perfume, and that fucker would fly off and brain an unsuspecting flower girl.

This is particularly interesting because Priapus more or less is his penis in terms of symbolism, so it is odd that he would have a problem with fertility. I think it is possible that the phimosis is more symbolic than anything else.