1) Replace the lyrics of songs with curse words and sing them repeatedly.

And scratching and adjusting wedgies.

Honestly, I've read a TON of these answers, and I'm willing to bet mine is the weirdest. I am completely silent when alone. I do not talk to the TV, the cat, I hate answering the phone when I've got a good silence brewing. I love my husband, but seriously he is always making noises, singing, talking to me, to the cat,…

Thank you for the amazing laugh I got from imagining you squatting in the bottom of your cold shower, pooping, while you wait for the water to warm up.

I rewrite popular songs as songs about my cats and sing them to them constantly. My favorite is a song for my cat called Meachie set to the tune of "Fuck the Pain Away" by Peaches that goes:

I hold full, out-loud, long conversations by myself, pretending I'm a guest on WTF with Marc Maron. Sometimes I politely argue with him; sometimes we battle; sometimes I just charm him with my stories and wit. It's intensely self-indulgent and embarrassing and I love it. I would DIE if someone overheard me. I have a…

i have a stuffed animal platypus from the early 90s that i have fabricated an entire personality for. he has a boomerang business on ebay, hates junk food, gets frequent ear infections, and loves selena gomez. i know...im a sick person. but i love him!!

Honey, don't say retard in a derogatory way. I'm sure you don't mean any harm, bless your heart, but it's really not fucking ok. Ever.

I apologize in advance for how sappy and uncool this is. But I just realized I do every one of my secret single behaviors including making face masks out of random kitchen ingredients, talking out my problems to my dogs and answering for them in funny voices, taking 2+ hour-long baths, and occasionally putting on…

When I cook a meal, I pretend like I'm giving a demo for tv, and describe what I'm doing…but, I assumed everyone does this. Don't tell me I'm wrong.

I have a habit in the morning of turning on the shower, and while waiting for the water to warm up, I poop. I poop in the toilet, by the way... not in the shower, if you guys needed that clarification. Anyways, because I don't want to flush and make the water boiling hot (which I have no idea if this is even the…

It is really frustrating when people are like "oh, you're Southern, so you're a PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BITCH, right?" Well, sure, sometimes, like most people, I have my moments. But even sharks probably spend most of their time just cruising the seas without eating dolphins or whatever. It's just that the moments where…

Not sure I agree about that. A New Yorker would probably tell you to straight up fuck off. A New Englander would say nothing at all, might not even throw shade when you're away, but you know by their thin-lipped silence and lack of further social entreaties beyond what is necessary not to cause a ruckus in one's…

SHE LOOKS LIKE A SEXY BABY AND I AM SO CREEPED OUT.

I actually did point out that it can be used in a genuine manner! If people in the Midwest think it only means one thing, well, they've got their own ideas about things out there.

I mean, make no mistake, many Southern women have LONG been perfectly capable of saying "Fuck you" when the situation demanded it.

GAWD, thanks for this. I'm SO TIRED of hearing people, ever since this became "a thing" deploy a dear colloquial phase and say, "That's the southern way to say 'fuck you!'"

The best smokescreen for gossip that Southerners (especially Southern Baptists) have come up with is the prayer request.

My Southern born-and-bred mama was the QUEEN of throwing shade. I had a cousin (one of mama's "wild" sister's children, Bless Her Heart) who decided at a family reunion (the ONE TIME YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO KEEP YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, BARBARA JEAN) to drink a little too much and couldn't figure out how to open a door clearly…

Hey folks, never forget that the Salvation Army once demanded to be exempt from having to pay benefits to the partners of gay employees.