This could not come at a more appropriate time: my boyfriend is coming back today from a 10 day work trip to Calgary, and I’ve honestly become the most insecure person, ever. I am a completely tolerant person, and we have a great, no-nonsense relationship. I just felt completely lost without him; perhaps some form of…

First face I saw? Matthew Lillard.

Also, he shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

So Ben Carson and his imaginary friend “Bob” got into a fight.

“please also consider a universal law that applies to you and your coworker”

And Jack likes his team’s chances.

I am like 1,000,000 months pregnant right now and if one more person has something to say about what I’m eating or not eating I could literally lose my mind.

But you don’t know that she is unknowing. I mean, I went out and ate a dozen raw oysters washed down with a glass of Chablis in my 2nd trimester. I knew the risk, and I was willing to take it. If someone had “helpfully” pointed out risk, I would have helpfully pointed out how many fucks I gave.

The gender reveal cake— cut it open, and instead of finding blue or pink cake, it's Velveeta.

Wow, I can’t believe she’s eating that.

I almost wish someone had criticized my food choices during any of my three pregnancies. They would have learned more about hyperemesis gravidarum than they ever wanted to know.

Helicopter gestating? When it comes to judging how women handle pregnancy and child-rearing, people are just the worst. You’re already surrendering control of your body to a tiny succubus—on top of that, dozens of crazy, partially informed nosy-butts think they have a right to chime in about your habits. Take your…

I think I owe it the world to stay in her life and temper her crazy with my own.

Oh, those Oregonians, with their old tyme mustaches, artisinal salt, and bubonic plague. They’re just so trendy!

pssh just a case of the ol’ bubons. nothin’ to see here folks. but srsly tho.

This, on national cat day? Come on, what the fuck man.

Looks like it’s time to get my Andrea Zuckerman on.

I kind of hate that Scalia and I had the same response to something. But I supposed even a broken clock is right twice a day. What an impressive couple.

Me too. I really like that it has no scent. It’s a relief. I stopped smoking last year and I’d forgotten how loud the world smells, if that makes sense. It’s like every product is yelling at my nose, and even the nice smells are too much. A scent-free product is a welcome silence :P

Satanists are so adorably quirky! They're Satanic Pixie Dream Girls.