This piece is what happens when you recruit writers from unaccredited comedy schools.

We’re all missing the crucial piece which definitively makes you an asshole : why the fuck is your phone on? It’s not just rude (your argument is like sayubg, “I’m talking to one person loudly, but the movie is louder, so why are you paying attention to me yammering like a garbage person and gabbing in the place…

Your schedule and texting activity is the problem of other people. You should follow your own advice and stay home.

Your shitty phone is literally impossible not to notice if you’re seated in front of me. If you’re off to the side? I still see the blinding light of your phone. If you’re in the center? I still see the blinding light of your phone, even if I deliberately look away. No matter what direction I look, if you’re in front…

I go to Alamo Theaters. I will have you thrown out for talking or texting. It’s a pleasure and the policy of the theater I like to exercise. Whine to them that you’re too special to care about the rest of the theater for your precious texts

Thankfully Alamo Drafthouse will kick people out for using their phones during a movie. I don’t go to them, but it’s a great policy.

It is not unreasonable to expect someone to not look at their phone for 2 hours. In a dark movie theater, the bright screen of a phone is immediately noticeable in your peripheral vision. C’mon you already know this.

No, fuck off, you have no defense. The money you paid to be in the theater isn’t more valuable than the money other people paid to be in that theater. You want phone time, go where the phone booths used to go, outside the fucking theater.

The theater tells you before the showing that cellphones are distracting and not to ruin the movie for everyone else. 

“If you’re that distracted, don’t go to the movies”

You are a garbage person.

I have a hard time believing that the actuaries are intentionally adjusting their data to change the premiums in minority neighborhoods. Could there be something in the actuarial models that does not show up in the profile Consumer Reports and Pro Publica are using?

Brave of you to publicly advocate for civil forfeiture. Most people think that’s horrible.

Maybe off topic but this always makes me remember what might be my most favorite video in all of youtube. Something I aspire to as a father of a little girl.

Perhaps he’s been- he’ll love this one- living under a rock.

Because most socialist policies are deeply unpopular and would result in massive electoral losses?

Or maybe it’s a case of “this thing just has a shit ton of horsepower”. Professional racing drivers also crash out every now and then.