Gloria Steinem is fucking metal.

I am only about 4 stories in, and I gotta get this out: I LOVE EVERY ONE OF YALL BECAUSE YALL BITCHES ARE JUST AS CRAZY AS I AM, MAYBE MORE. I have to take a smoke break after every other story, and I don’t even smoke. Gah-damn.

Similar story, similar outcome (except no sexy friend came through) to I created a burner account for this’s story.

One company party lead off auspiciously when, within the first half-hour, I fell down the stairs of the restaurant and knocked over a candle, setting a small section of the table on fire. This, however, did not stop my urge to down expensive alcohols on the company dime.

In college my roommate and I decided to throw a generalized “winter” party. We cut out paper snowflakes, put Christmas lights everywhere, holiday colored jello shots, etc. We had about 50 people in our tiny apartment, had an awesome party, cops came, people had to leave, yada yada yada...

This story has never been said aloud or written.

The wild office parties kill me - they really are that crazy? What is the next day like?

I MADE A BURNER FOR EXACTLY THIS PURPOSE.

This reminded me of the Friends episode where the Paul Rudd character (Phoebe’s husband) demands to be called Crapbag after she renames herself Princess Consuela Bananahammock.

Not too weird by my first sex dream featured Laurence Fishburne.

i consider morphine a vitamin

I mean, my mother always says that that’s the reason you have children, to do housework

Something I learned in Louis’s preschool was the saying ‘mamas always come back.’

Could the tabloid writers get more creative for our homegirl Aniston? Like, “I’m adopting a sloth”, or “Justin and I have applied for a mission to Mars”, or some shit like that. This having a baby thing gets old after the gazillionth time.

There’s never a bad time to leave this somewhere:

One of my favourite quotes is that if we went back in time, we wouldn’t be able to stand the smell. If past people travelled forward to us, they couldn’t stand the noise.

Flush toilets, vaccines, penicillin, birth control and tampons are things we don’t often take time to appreciate but life without them isn’t pretty. That’s why I’d choose a holodeck over a time machine in my nerd fantasies.

I know we are all probably still traumatized by the Lindsey Lohan biopic, but I would watch the ever-loving hell out of Dallas Buyers Club 2: White Diamonds.

And then proceeds to fix a botched rescue, take charge of the “boys” and makes it known, in no uncertain terms, she’s in charge and they’re following her plan.

Jesus. I’m 34 and grew up with Star Wars. I went to see the updated films in theaters in the 90’s. I cut school to see the first showing of Phantom Menace having bought the tickets 3 weeks in advance. I have the original VHS box set that I am NEVER getting rid of since it’s the BEST version. And I wasn’t the only girl…