I was already just clinging to life with this comment. But “pet a cat backwards” produced this gem.

The only robot Russell wants to bone is Marco Rubio.

They will never fuck. “I’m religious” is the bullshit excuse down-low athletes like Tim Tebow and Wilson use to cover for the obvious. I’m sure Ciara is getting compensated very well to beard and the poor thing needs the money: She hasn’t had a hit in a decade.

I'm 41, and I don't need to reevaluate squat.

What does it all MEAN?!??!

I’m gonna say this chick is crazy

hey now, don’t you dare say Jezebel is race-baiting us!

I love how Jezebel left this photo out on purpose because it clearly shows the purple while the other are ambiguous. Stay classy, Jezebel.

Flying Purple People Eater, maybe? But better to just not.

Immigrants are actually leaving America. Why do the candidates have to do anything? The problem is self-correcting right now, because the country is such a garbage heap.

“This is me, Candy Carson, and some chick I used to work with”

Last night Sarandon was nominated for a SAG for her performance in The Secret Life of Marilyn Monroe;

Analog dick pics! OMG

Boo. I’m in the Bay Area where everything is expensive but I guess for the cleaning they didn’t put him all the way under? It was about 300. Who knows, I’m not looking forward to the estimate.

i get a lot of mileage out of that one

Go fuck yourself.

Fun fact: Abortion is 100% illegal in El Salvador. Not even for the health of the mother or the baby or in the case of rape and incest.

This redoubles my hope that he trips and falls into some particularly sharp patch of prickly pears.

FUCKIN CRAIG, LOVE THAT GUY

I vote no, because he keeps his sense of humor throughout.