Everyone discovers the ass during potty training. The love affair is brief, but intense; revolving as it does around the marvelous joy that is pooping. Like every relationship, it cools after a while. We become comfortable with our asses; we like what they do for us, but we think that there's nothing left to explore -…

We only tried that once. It didn't end well. We both needed a shower.

We really do. We're terrible neighbors, though.

Farting contests. Lots of sex. Constant, constant, constant talking. Shared passions. Shared goals. Connect-the-dots, with freckles. Tag.

There are so many things wrong with your comment, I'll just stick with the most obvious: if you're giving birth, the anus is the wrong orifice.

No idea. I just told her she'd be better off with orange juice. She'd also not had any pre-natal care whatsoever. She couldn't afford it. Thank God for Planned Parenthood; they were able to help. They can't now, of course. It's Kansas.

She worked really hard. We all respected her.

Yes, she did. Her daughter didn't want to drink it, and I heard her say, 'You have to. The vitamins will help the baby grow.'

This is only tangentially related, but when I was 20 and in college I worked at a JCS in Kansas. I learned three things: 1) if you volunteer to do the sound, they don't make you dance. 2) no matter how young a waitress looks, she might have kids so you need to tip well - and maybe offer to sit at a table. One girl, a…

Thanks! The braids were the result of my mother taking over the shower for two hours pre-wedding and leaving me 15 minutes to get married! If you get married in the Church of England you can't be more than 10 minutes late or they cancel your wedding. Seriously. We were five minutes late and I have photographic…

We got proposed to each other June and married in August. Not a lot of time for planning (we had a KILLER party though) and we had a budget of $200 each. I bought mine on ebay. This is the dress:

The solution? Take your mother up on her offer to mail out the invitations. Invite everyone, everyone. Let her crappy memory and tendency to leave things under the bed will do the difficult work for you!

About a year and a half ago, I had a shitty publishing job that required me to spend some time living in a barn (the guy who ran the press had a mansion, but guest rooms were for GUESTS!) and I woke up one morning to find a large brown recluse in my mouth. I did not know that it was a brown recluse. I did not know…

Peter: That may have been my mother. Was she a blond, about 5'6? She was a bit like that. Of course, now she's married to a Presbyterian minister.

My husband and I are currently sitting on the sofa clad in our underwear (I skipped church to post this), he read the article , looked down at our bare legs, and said, 'Clearly neither one of us wear pants. And I don't think we believe in them.' I guess that we'll be going to work naked, tomorrow. I'm surprisingly ok…

My husband says: To the dog, that rat falls firmly into the uncanny valley. He's just being sensible.

I say that this is only funny to us because we have the concept of irony. We KNOW it's plastic. The dog doesn't. He's actually showing a great deal of intelligence here. reading the visual cues, rejecting the data that…

Human body, horse hooves. But, seriously, horse penises can kill you. Ruptured cervix and all that. You-kebab. Catherine the Great was supposed to use a gourd with a hole in it (she didn't actually commit beastiality, but this is what her detractors said to explain her lack of death) as a barrier to keep her from…

The doctor confused her with a platypus. They have milk-patches that are essentially modified sweat-glands. Hey, the good news is that if she were a platypus she could bring the baby to the gym.

My husband says that he was the older brother on Malcolm in the Middle. I wouldn't know.

I live in the UK. You can buy about ten varieties of this in any grocery store. For under a pound. My husband's favorites are pulled-pork and apple, and tesco, extra large. I have never, and will never, put one in my mouth.