The saddest part is that I'm not even that surprised.

The penguin totally reminds me of the choreographer we had for HS show choir.

Exactly. And those shorts! They are the most unflattering cut.

I wonder what this fellow would say to the "gentleman" that followed me, for blocks in the middle of the day in Manhattan a few years ago (while whistling a creepy toon) when I was on my totally sober lunch break from my conservative insurance gig, dressed as conservatively as the gig required?

I was once retweeted by Tristan Taormino and it was the greatest moment of my electronic life. I should totally cut that retweet out and put it on my fridge.

The winter white suit is.everything.

So all this time I've been blaming my parents' divorce for my being gay when I should have been blaming it for my slutty ways?!

You know what? I'm generally all, "That's not a real apology asshole!" Yet in this case, I'm all, "That's Amy-Fucking-Poehler you whiney fucking brat! Sit down, grown folks are talking." Amy Poehler would have to kill my dog in order for me to abdicate my fangirldom.

Wait, but if MY conscience thinks their conscience is a huge asshole, do we Thunderdome it out?

I will be 33 next month and I am having a... different response. I've pretty much been a "grown up" for a while.

When I was very little I was picked last (or nearly last) for sports because I was very small, odd, uncoordinated, and often the new kid.

I'm pretty sure that half of this is going to taste like 95% of the sexual fantasies I've ever had. The other half is going to taste like, "Well thank god it's not Billy Bob."

I'm going to be honest. I've been holding a personal grudge against Rachel Zoe for years. She knows what she did!

We had conversations about the future about the same time that we decided to move in together and discussed how, exactly, as two ladies we'd go about making a kid happen. I said something like, "I would feel more comfortable having a kid if there were legal things protecting us and the kid, like marriage."

1. I am so sorry.

My worst Valentine's Day has to be the one when the woman I was seeing (and had recently just come out because of) emailed me to thank me for her favorite chocolates, flowers, and Babeland gift certificate, and also to let me know that she was flying to Miami that evening to use all of those things with her new…

I'm not going to lie. This is my dream.

Ages 27-29 were some of the worst years of my life.

My ass is all, "That broad's a cheap date!"

I've always wanted to try a juice cleanse.