Or consider this:

To what PSI do you think Brady was requesting the balls be deflated? We have a lot of statistical information to make this inference.

Again, they had access to the text conversations already. The cell phone thing was a sensationalist red herring.

The Wells Report, commissioned by the league to prove this precise thing, could only muster up that it was “more probable than not that Tom Brady was at least generally aware of the inappropriate activities” of the team employees. But yeah, when that type of dead certainty is what an investigator hired by your…

The text messages from the offseason? So Brady and the equipment guys cooked up a scheme before the season to deflate footballs in a game that they didn't even know they'd be a participant? I think there needs to be an investigation on the Patriot's illegal use of a time machine.

You truly believe FIFTY-ONE percent or more of the evidence presented in this entire case is against him?

we also have no evidence balls were ever deflated

I could care less honestly, but I’m feeling salty.

a player who almost definitely did what he was accused of

People keep saying “Brady probably did something,” but on the basis of what? The Wells Report might as well have come out of Pyongyang.

Roger. It’s not your fault.

The hot-dog sandwich

A bunch of human hair in a kaiser roll.

My wife used to faht in her sleep.

You’re part of the problem. Just another person illegally touching their balls.

I think it’s a poorly constructed sentence. The intent was to say:

Goodell flexed on Tom Brady simply because Brady wouldn’t cooperate with this investigatory cosplay, and that’s the funniest thing about all of this. Goodell and his minions got all the power they wanted, and all it’s resulted in is a player who almost definitely did what he was accused of sticking his middle finger…

Christmas came early.

This looks like Taylor Swift and it’s making me feel funny down there.