A slight update: The unnamed staffer actually only claimed they were better at being a horse than the horse lady. In the interest of partial transparency, here is a copied and pasted list of claims they made, verbatim:

This.  Jesus, Magary.  It’s not like you’re 25.

Oregonians (and to a lesser extent Washingtonians)

FUCK THAT GUY AND HIS ILK FOR RUINING THE PUNCHING GAME FOR ALL OF US

“Could you not drive in that scenario?”

I swear to god, I looked at it like six times and every time thought it looked funny, and never solved it. My brain is pure shit.

Don’t these people know better than to get on a bus with Keanu Reeves? 

I feel like this is a supervillain origin story.

When I was little, I would rub a small amount of toothpaste on my tongue to beat the breath smell test, and it worked. There were layers and thought put into the lie.

I swear to god, my daughter and I got into an argument about the Ninja Turtles.
Me: eat your pizza. The Ninja Turtles love pizza.
Kid: No. They eat flies.
Me: haha...No. They eat pizza. It’s they’re favorite.
Kid: No, daddy. They’re turtles they eat flies. (note: the fuck?)
Me: *gets phone* *Googles Ninja Turtles+Pizza*…

Brandon:
He liked to strip near-naked in the background while I was video-chatting my girlfriend.

So, since Lori Loughlin is involved, is it fair to say that this scandal is everywhere you look?

Starred for the smoke break at 6k.

I don’t know when my dad was able to teach Russ that stare, but he has got it down.

My wife and I are having our first in a couple months. Anytime someone says anything close to “do you think you’re ready”, I tell them that we have a dog, so we have a pretty good idea of what we’re doing. Literally as I was typing this, my uncle just asked me if I was prepared to change diapers. Told him that we’re…

We went to a class for our first one, and they went around the room asking each couple about their birth plan. Most of them were “We’re going to try to go natural” with a few “We’re using a midwife in home and going natural”.

People’s Exhibit B: Val Venis.

Does he think porn is real?

Matthew Vaughn’s grimy, under-appreciated Kick Ass