He’s gonna show it now, isn’t he? :-(

Absolutely. We could potentially get a fake presidential dick pic at a press briefing, and fact checkers will do the unimaginable work of finding which male porn star’s penis they’re trying to pass off as his own, all while Hannity spends hours breaking down male genitalia.

“I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart...

We all laugh, but it is mortifying to me how many people say Trump sounds like parents or grandparents who were at that spot where they’ve started to lose touch with the world, and while they’re still cognizant enough that they could hypothetically realize they are starting to go senile, they still don’t get it.

You know who I blame for Polio? Jonas Salk. He was always talking about polio, and working on a vaccine for polio. Just always bringing up polio. He obsessed about polio the way Jan obsessed about Marcia. If he had just ignored the polio it would have gone away. In fact, I think he was guilty of reverse polio, which…

Nothing says “alpha male” like layered t shirts.

I don’t know where everyone is getting Lysol wipes and sauerkraut while they’re traveling!

This is the awning of the age of hilarious.

And in our desperation we turned to a city we didn’t fully understand.

Nice change of pace to see a Philadelphian subjected to a battery.

“a black mother whose child forgot to take the chicken out of the freezer”

If he wanted everyone to suck his dick for the mere fact that he was doing his job, Trump should have ditched the Presidency and gone into porn.

Wow your gratitude is cheap.

For the record, the athletes themselves thanked Trump in their statement. It was the father of one of the athletes who downplayed Trump’s role in the incident.

Your first boss was clearly more qualified to be President than the current occupant of the White House.

Old lady here. When I was 22 and starting out as a manager, my first boss said to me—If you have to decide to do something, either do it because it is right or don’t do it because it is wrong. Because if you are doing it in order to be thanked, you are going to have a very fucked-up and unhappy career.

I have never wanted anything more in my life than this pee tape to come out. Like if Bill Gates came up to me and was like I have the pee tape and I have a million dollars, you can only have one, I would honestly still say the pee tape. Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease be real

So the dumb bastard ran his mouth and once again hurt his own agenda and yet his dumb fuck base will still blame the liberals.

I am so delighted by the ruling that the tweets are official presidential statements. Tweet away, Orange One, tweet away.

My friend is a producer for Chopped. She is aware of your awesomeness. We've been talking about this and how it must happen.