My friends and I turned the book into a drinking game one night. The gist was, you had to open the book to random page and if they’re having sex you had to read the page out loud, if you could make it through the whole page without laughing everyone else had to take a drink, but if you cracked you had to drink.

It was! That apartment was better than nothing, but not by much. The kitchen walls really creeped me out, and I felt like the constant fumigation didn’t really get all of the roaches. But the most depressomg part was that the apartment was on the third floor and at the back and it was so damn dark. It got exactly 5…

Loved your story but have to chime in just because of the “Fuck Salvation Army” thing. In 2008 during the recession, I was laid off and bills started piling up. No one was hiring and unemployment wasn’t enough to cover everything. After a couple months of being behind on my electric bill, I received a shut off notice…

The move was only about a block away so I felt comfortable being a little casual with my packing. One of my choices was to tape up the drawers of my night tables rather than empty them. My boyfriend at the time (now husband) handled the tape duty. When they arrived at the destination I noticed that the tape was a…

Mr. Pants and I moved to NYC so I could go to graduate school. Our previous place wasn’t the greatest, but it was reasonably big and it was cheap. My school had student housing, which was expensive, but easier to rent sight-unseen. The school described the building as full of “classic NYC apartments with wood floors…

I enjoy being a hermit. I have grown apart from a lot of friends, it just seems to be a natural part of life. Priorities change and friends become less important. Also, I’m married and made my own people who I spend time with. 

Actually all these anecdotes make me like him, and up until now I was more or less indifferent. Maybe I’m also an asshole?

Then the ghost of Roger Ebert showed up and told her she was pedestrian.

Are you sure it’s not like the spinach on your teeth rule? I would hate to be walking around all day with so much cum on my face and no one told me.

Do all of this, but do it again three months after the baby is born. I was overwhelmed with help for the first couple of months after my twins arrived. By around 3 months, I was lonely and overwhelmed. 

One time I got one of those small boxes of raisins out of the pantry, and thought “this would be a good snack” and opened it up and started eating it. It was dark, and I thought “these taste kind of funny” and I turned on a light and what do you know the box was squirming with maggots.

The cognitive dissonance is real. My niece’s fetus became non-viable. Her state has some pretty restrictive laws.

That’s what I was going to say, they definitely know how the law works better than Maria, clearly.

Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli want the government to turn over all the evidence it has against them in the college admissions scandal. Do they know how trials work?

I 100% agree with Tim Gunn and want to go to Red Lobster with him and Andre.  Speaking of, where’s Andre? (One of the finest few moments in reality tv history)

That’s still no excuse to try and impress Paul Ryan!

I spoke in tongues at a weird non-denominational church service that my mom (a liberal Methodist) didn’t want me to attend. I was crushing on this evangelical pastor’s son, and my friend who was dating his brother invited me to attend services with her. I’d never seen a rock band in church before, or people jumping…

God this is so cringy. I was 19 and needed to look super, extra hot and sexy and attractive for my new bf, so after reading one incredibly dumb article in Cosmo, I followed their advice to shave - ummm, his initial - uh - down there. I spent a good twenty minutes perfecting it in the mirror and felt super sexy and…

This is a deep OG Grover Golden Books reference, and as someone who read his original childhood version of this book to his daughter last night, respect.

This is like Grover’s monster at the end of the book. I know you say “WARNING: THIS POST IS NOT A JOKE.” but damn if I don’t want to read it anyway to see if it’s a really good joke.