He doesn’t miss her; he misses having things both ways.

Dear Offset and every other guy who either dumped a woman or mistreated a woman enough to run her off,

I prefer to listen to Colbert read them. LOL. 

Same. I feel like when Barf Bag started, they would feature like the 2-3 worst tweets of the day (as if you can narrow it down to only 2-3 awful tweets). But now there are regularly more than a dozen tweets and I just can’t take it. I scroll right past. There’s nothing to be learned from them. We all already know how…

Rex Tillerson had no business being Secretary of State, but he’s certainly not “dumb as a rock.” That said, what we’ve come to now is the sitting President and his former Secretary of State “I know you are but what am I?” Diplomacy today.

• Ammon Bundy supports asylum seekers and came thiiiiiiis close to calling Trump Adolf Hitler and now I’m ???? [BuzzFeed News]

Me too!!!

I always scroll past the tweets. I always hated the sound of trumps voice, but now I can’t even read his repulsive words. The man is toxic.

Schrodinger! <—-gritted teeth voice

The eel is neither alive nor dead until the physicist opens the box.

Unbalanced Creature Configuration is the name of my new band. We are working on our first album,  EEL UP YOUR NOSE.

It looks like the little pup is just trying to get his parents to laugh.

I can’t tell whether it’s happy it snorted a sea snake thing OR whether it’s just maintaining a shred of sanity by trying to think about anything but that damn eel up its nose, which could be up to 2 feet long and dangling down the back of its throat like a massive case of post-nasal drip with a spine.

Honestly, this feels ore like a Sick Sad World thing.

Seals snorting eels: the bizarre drug craze baffling seal authorities

So perfect!

I feel like there should be some Seal News and the leading story is “What young seals are doing now will shock you! Tonight our reporter talks about the new craze hitting the beach this fall Ealing and how you can identify if your seal pup is doing it too.”

WTF is on their heads? Are they embracing the trope of bleach blond moms voting for trump? First deplorable t-shirts and now this.... we should start calling them dunce caps and just wait for them to “embrace” that. Plus I’m sure most of them have some pointy white hoods laying around that would work just perfect. 

102 women elected to congress shows that we can absolutely overcome the A.O.D., one election at a time.

Right, because if you’re an asshole about it they’ll totally quiet down instead of being an even louder asshole right back.