The face is a lie! Don’t believe him! It lures you in for belly tickles and then bites and scratches you.

That is the face of a perfectly well-behaved cat.

A friend told me I should donate my head to the Mutter museum.

I’ll spare you the gorier details but I had a very traumatic delivery when my son was born which necessitated a pretty drastic episiotomy: I dealt with it all surprisingly well — despite the absence of any anesthetic — but what really brought me undone was when the obstetrician (who was not my own) looked between my…

my obgyn once delivered a baby that was HOLDING ONTO THE IUD THAT TRIED TO THWART IT.

Gross in a slightly different way. I had always had bad cramps but senior year of high school my cramps/abdominal pain ramped up to like whoah. I was doubled over one morning before school and my dad sighed and said “welp, I guess we better take you to the doctor.” We went to the minute clinic down the block and they…

I very recently was in the shower and felt what seemed like, well, poop in between my cheeks. I reached back figuring I’d clean it out and pulled a worm out of my ass. Like a six inch long white worm. I screamed and threw it on the floor and it was wriggling around. My SO came running in looked at it and said “this…

I was told I had to get an ultrasound before my abortion. (NOT the cute jelly belly kind of ultrasound, which is what I was expecting, but in fact the super painful Voldemort Wand ALL the way up your snatch kind.) As I was wincing in pain and paralyzing anxiety, the wand so deep inside me and churning around like a…

I remember being 7 and going to the doctor for a slightly upset tummy. Dude tells me, loudly, in front of my mom: “Your tummy’s full of shit, literally”.
I remember wanting to cry, instantly, and just muttering “liar”

#1: I had chronic tonsillitis and my doctor looked at my pus filled tonsils with tonsil stones and said “wow those are the raunchiest tonsils I’ve ever seen! Look at those tonsil stones!”

You know he’d just knock it on its side and roll around the living knocking shit over like some pathological hamster.

See I’d buy it and turn it into cat jail for when my little butt acts up.

Well, there are also Gary Johnson voters out there..

You know, I’m gonna say something I think we all need to remember. It’s good to have an adversary, and better to have a worthy one.

“the party of Lincoln”

Although I’d respect her far more if she cast a vote for Hills, I’ll take 2 principled Navarros over 1 unprincipled and immature Stein voter any day of the week.

When I was 17 and working the deli counter at Shop-Rite, there was this loser who couldn’t keep his mouth shut about various parts of my body every day. I told him if he didn’t shut the fuck up I’d slap him with a pastrami brisket. He didn’t shut up. I grabbed a whole wrapped pastrami brisket and whomped the bejesus…

So he’s the anthropomorphosis of Axe Body Spray? Sounds accurate.

My accusers want free fame! Except for the anonymous ones, they’re cowards who don’t have the guts to face me in public!