Oh, hey, you made Ted Cruz look less like a nightmare! I will try to picture bird-monkey-monster-things every time I look at him instead of seeing his stupid, smarmy, supremely punchable face. Thanks!

If you do, you should credit its author! As I mentioned above, that line and the others like it are actually winning entries from a humor contest to create hilariously bad analogies (and that one was, incidentally, written by the same funny dude who came up with “John and Mary had never met”):

Since editors also tend to like things to be properly credited, I feel like I need to be a buzzkill and note that that line (and the others that are often sent in email forwards alongside it) isn’t from a “student,” but from a humor contest asking for hilariously bad analogies.

It’s nice that your deep and abiding need to stand up in the presence of Iggy Pop is so important to you that you needed to reply to me twice to tell me that disabled people will “just have to deal” and not go to concerts because, for some reason, you cannot buy a ticket for the sections that are specifically…

That was a really powerful interview; thank you for this. It is fucking shameful that it is this hard to get necessary reproductive healthcare in this country, and more people should be aware of that. Kudos to Elizabeth for being willing to speak out, and here’s hoping her next pregnancy is wonderfully uneventful and…

I use a cane. I physically cannot stand for more than about 5 minutes without being in extreme pain. Why the hell should I have to stay home because some jackass can’t deal with the terrible hardship of not having their ass in my face for two hours?

This was also my first reaction! Bread pudding does not deserve to be besmirched by being associated with Trump! That’s why I stick to calling him, say, a semi-sentient fascist Cheeto or a congealed lump of Spam with a dead chinchilla on top. It’s more accurate, and also I wasn’t going to make Spam-and-dead-chinchilla…

It is! I wish they’d do better when it comes to the disabled (both performers and patrons), but their inclusivity in other realms is still pretty great.

It’s supposed to be 31 deaths per million people per year, which is VERY different than 31 million deaths per year. (Kind of like how “Dying in a Gun Homicide in the U.S. Is as Common as Dying by Lightning Strike in Japan” is very different than “dying of a gun homicide in Japan is as common as dying from a lightning…

She is...but she’s nine years older than Holmes, and Lawrence is seven years younger. Assuming this movie isn’t made for a few years, Lawrence will actually be playing someone roughly her own age. Which, given most of her non-Hunger Games work, might be an exciting change for her! :p

I’m torn on this one. I am completely disgusted at the lenient sentencing of Turner, but I’m not sure Persky is at fault in this other case. The thing is, as I understand it, the rules for barring evidence are really strict - the defense is allowed to show damn near anything they want if it can be justified as somehow…

Okay, so, if you spend too much time out in the sun and develop skin cancer, I assume you won’t go to a doctor and have it treated? If you get into a car accident and break your leg, you’ll leave the bone un-set and just walk with a limp for the rest of your life? After all, you think people should accept the…

Sadly, my most memorable time was actually me puking all over someone else, and it happened just a couple of years ago. I was visiting my parents for the holidays and got a kidney stone. Everything you have heard about how much that hurts? Very, very true. They sent me home from the ER with Percocet and anti-nausea…

No, they could not say, “Heard Charged with Domestic Violence,” unless they were aiming to print a lie. Because she wasn’t charged with anything. “Arrested” and “charged” are not synonymous, and the distinction is pretty damn important.

What woman are you talking about who was “actually charged with domestic abuse”? Because Amber Heard wasn’t.

If we’re counting arachnids as bugs, how on earth are chiggers not even on this list? They are terrible.

I mean, I think it matters insofar as more talented musicians who don’t look as conventionally sexy have a much, much harder time achieving successful careers, and that’s stupid and sexist, since that standard is not applied to male musicians to anywhere near the same degree. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong…

I mean, I don’t disagree with the essential point that it would be nice to hear more music that hasn’t been massively digitally edited so as to be “perfected,” but...

I have hit wild animals a few times in my life (I drive past a long stretch of woods on my way to and from work, so there are often woodland creatures crossing the road), and every single time I have been a total mess afterwards, because even though I know perfectly well that I did everything in my power not to run…

Seconded. And I’m sorry about your cat. Fuzzy animals > people, especially people like these fuckwads.