I'm gonna have to interview some of my friends.

I'm extremely jealous of you. I don't think anyone I know, cousin or not, would do this for me. Ugh. I need better friends and family.

SOON.

I reject the very notion of this.

Sweet jesus.

I've never been attracted to him, but goddamn I am today.

Paula Patton has told human Drakkar Noir bottle Robin Thicke that she will pursue full custody of their son if he doesn't get his shit together.

Since George is now married, is Leo going to fill the role of perpetual bachelor? Or do we need to do a vote like the Vatican does when a new Pope needs to be selected?

I was very disappointed when I played the video and discovered that Behati did not, in fact, say, "I'll take... two meats." THANKS FOR GETTING MY HOPES UP, JIA.

"On the other hand, have you ever been to rural Pennsylvania? It's...not pleasant."

That was my first thought when I saw the headline. It also doesn't help that the state has strict regulations on alcohol.

OT: C.A. you faved a tweet of mine last week and it made me feel special. /coolstorysis

One of my good friends from college got married last year. I straight up asked him if there was an open bar or not. I know that's probably not the best etiquette, but a girl's gotta know if she can get her drink on or not.

Holy shit. This one has to win. I'm sorry for everything you went through, but am glad that you're now happily married to your husband. I wish you all the best!

I don't know how to feel about this. On one hand, I wanna watch it out of curiosity; on the other hand, it's a Lifetime movie and I don't want it ruining my adolescence. Aaliyah was one of my favorite R&B artists growing up, and I idolized her so much. She has a special place in my heart, and I have a feeling I'mma…

This is my new jam.

I'm pretty sure this is Jezebel's most important article to date.

Trufax: I didn't even know Rob Schneider was (1) still alive and (2) relevant enough to land State Farm commercials.

My new hero.

You have my vote.

FWIW, Beyonce makes all of us feel lazy.

It is extremely rare — if not non-existent — for a woman to have an abortion because the pregnancy posed a risk to her life.

I'm screaming.