I want a thermos with "I have an educational blog" printed on it. I feel like that would get me as close as I can get to greatness.

http://kitchenette.jezebel.com/the-strangest-…

I'm the third act of every movie you've ever seen

Guys, remember the law does word things in ways that neccessarily reflect our vernacular or emotions associated with said crime. "Criminal sexual conduct in the first degree" is a pretty big fucking deal in South Carolina. It's not like they wrote him a jaywalking ticket:

I'd agree but I don't think they're getting suspended because what they did trivialized rape and was disrespectful to victims out there, I think they're getting suspended because Oregon thinks it was disrespectful to Winston and FSU.

I knew this was a British story even before I clicked on the link.

"The doctors told me that if I hadn't worn such a tight dress which held in place my bones as the car impacted, I would have most definitely punctured vital organs"

I regularly don't receive texts from my boyfriend. I blame this on my stupid phone and the fact that we live in the mountains.

Today we found out that my grandmother has cancer in her spine. She's 90, so it's not like she was going out base jumping, but still, sucky news to get. Just want to share a scream of FUCK CANCER.

But damn, you're going to smell goooooood.

Oh, sweetie. Be good to yourself! Also, ice cream. And talking to all your friends. I left a marriage in the summer, aided by my boyfriend of just over three years (it was an open marriage; my husband essentially chose his girlfriend over me) and said boyfriend was a damn rock when it came to being supportive. The…

My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me yesterday. He said he hasn't felt the same way as he used to for the past few months and when he thought about his future he didn't see me in it. Ouch. He said he was trying to work through it on his own. I thought he was the love of my life, so, needless to say, there has…

I went to the mall today. Such a big mistake... It was because I was bored and wanted to get out of the apartment. Then I walked into the damn Bath and Body Works semi-annual sale to stock up on their hand soaps. I had $20 in damn Groupon vouchers that expired, so I was only able to use what I paid for them in the…

Would anyone be interested in my similarly-themed DIY article, "Everything I Fucked Up While Trying To Act Like Anthony Bourdain For Most of My Twenties"?

OK I haven't read through all this yet because I had to stop and mention how much I cracked up at "I have no idea. I don't know how long you're supposed to cook chicken at a million degrees."