And will have to run for president from outside the country.

He sounds like a horrible politician who deserves to be voted out of office, but what’s the basis for requiring him to resign? Mutual masturbation via Skype at the request of the other party is not a crime, as far as I know. He was already fined for the misuse of government property. And rather than lie about it he…

It’s the Daily Mail’s job not to make mistakes like that. But on the subject of two actors of the same race being confused for each other: Robert De Niro and Al Pacino. Also Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel. Two people at a bar and a guy working at a newsstand on a different day were convinced that I was a well-known…

“He doesn’t seem to notice when people stare at him when he flaps his hands. He doesn’t seem to notice that he doesn’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. And he doesn’t seem to mind if he eats lunch alone.”

Can we also stop singing God Bless America in Yankee Stadium at the seventh inning stretch? It made us feel strong for a few years. Now it’s holding us back.

I simmer on Flatbush Avenue.

Thanks for making this point. I was going to ask whether the Geneva Convention now required that wars be fought solely by hand-to-hand combat. Women in combat roles get to be armed with weapons that would shred the biggest rapist. Republicans should stop (1) excusing rapists and (2) using the threat of rape as a…

“Or just wait till we see them in heaven.” That would be insanely complicated. But luckily: when we’ve been there ten billion years, bright shining like the sun, we’ve no less time to discover alien cultures, than when we’d first begun. The question is not original with me but does every alien culture get its own Adam…

Assuming the signal came from the star 94 light years away, it was sent about 94 years ago. Although we don’t have the technology yet to send as strong a signal back to them, they aren’t necessarily waiting for a message from us. They could continue to get better at sending signals,* and we could get better at reading…

Joe Allen.

Ellen’s was in business before that across the street from City Hall Park downtown.

With his separation (and perhaps future divorce) from Huma Abedin, the last reason to care about Anthony Weiner is gone. Now he’ll just be a guy who used to be a politician and political commentatator who occasionally sexts, a non-story unless you have a strong need to see someone humiliate himself over and over.

Maybe he needs more specific advice, like: Anthony, when you get the urge to send a dick pic, go make yourself a sandwich. Take a picture of the sandwich and post it on Instagram. Eat the sandwich. Now go about your business, knowing that the worst thing that will happen is that someone will snark your stupid sandwich.

Is Christmas canceled? No, but Santa will need that red Mercedes now.

A man doesn’t think with his dick; he obeys its dictates...

If your sexy parts are hidden, men won’t pine for what’s forbidden.

I try to dress nice too but I’ve noticed hardly anyone else wears spats anymore.

Julian Raven may have gotten enlightenment from another set of books. His painting of Trump looks like Doc Savage, the Man of Bronze.

Nothing original, says you! Four monkeys and I came up with this for Chris Christie’s speech:

“Think about having these people making decisions about things that matter.”