This actually happened in a restaurant!

The Salman Rushdie story slayed me. Still laughing. Imams declaring fatwas! Angry bussers with dishtowels! His list of anxieties keeps growing.

Let’s all make a promise that when/if we become famous, we will all be Kevin Smith Famous.

I would have thought Colonel Sanders would be a breast man.

Well shit, had I known you could use stories about people being nice...

This is only tangentially a food story, but it ends up in a Starbucks, so there you go.

We’ll see who’s joking around after Friday’s doubleheader against the Canadiens.

This is what happens when your team only has 10 fans. It is too easy for other fans to take over (we still get excited everytime we see someone wears Panthers gear, even if we are in the Carolinas).

Exactly. T-Mobile’s got financing too, and that is 0% interest, as opposed to Best Buy.

It’s very problematic that they’re Photoshopping her to look skinnier. I am more bothered by the fact that they’re taking her skin color and trying to make her look like she’s tan as opposed to mixed. They're putting some awful Snooki filter over her and it completely changes her natural skin color.

It somehow feels even more tragic that she was believed by:

That’s the part that got me and I couldn’t write any more about it. Like how could someone defend this dude when he didn’t just rape a child but then brought his adult son into it?

There needs to be a gofundme for this girl!!

Dear Entire Town of Dearborn, Kansas,

I wouldn’t clutch to that unlimited plan too dearly - if you’ve got WiFi at work and at home, you probably don’t need it. About how much mobile data do you actually use each month?

If “The platinum card is declined!” doesn’t become a Kitchenette meme like monogrammed thermoses, we have all failed.