I feel like we should have BINGO cards for fake relationship photo ops. Fun beach trip. Farmers Market. Yoga class exit. LAX exit wearing coordinated travel pajama pants. Hipster artisan hat store adorableness.... You get the idea.

Maybe we need Fake Court to carry on after Shade Court.

I wonder if he’s hiding a Japanese body pillow girlfriend like James Franco... “Kimikotan!”

Cool, so the security guard assaulted himself, the hotel room trashed itself, Winona Ryder misremembered things to Natalie Portman, Kate Moss ripped up photos of herself in a fit of jealousy, all those beers drank themselves and then went on television and drunkenly stumbled through that speech, the car drove itself…

Your honor, he wants to finger me with all his rings on.

Amber Rose if it’s a girl or Ray Jay if it’s a boy.

I call bullshit on Angie/Brad story. I mean, Brad leave his relationship with a woman everyone loves for an eccentric Oscar winner? That’s unheard of.

But, he’s a man, running against a woman. Why would we have to accept his obvious losses, since, after all, he is still a man? Never give up.

His brodude fans are hilarious though...on facebook it’s all about “Bernie’s victory”. I’m a progressive, but I’m sorry, I’m over him. His campaign has been run on grandiose emptiness, lies, and sexism and I’m through with the idol-worship that democratic campaigns have been so obsessed with over the last few…

Bernie has basically been attacking Hillary’s character and calling her corrupt without any actual evidence to back it up.

Oh, stop. Nobody was disenfranchised. Bernie didn’t have to run as a democrat. He wasn’t a democrat until this last year. He wanted to take advantage of the party organization and the party structure already in place. Which, fine.

My beef is that the Bernie side seems to think because they’re louder, they’re in charge. They celebrate victories that go their way and then stomp around about how unfair the votes that didn’t come to them are. Now they want to lead the conversation about the general election? They lost.

Stop trying to make Bernie happen. He’s not going to happen.

Does anyone else fear that the constant awarding a “winner” and “loser” in votes that hand out delegate via percentage points, so really Bernie won 5-8 delegates more than Hillary (closing in on her by 5%, maybe? I don’t do math) but it revs up excitement about something that isn’t that huge of a win....anyways.....…

how the FFFFFFFF did The Fat Jewish get invited to the White House Correspondents’ Dinner?!

Hold up, I got a better one:

It physically fucking HURTS.

I just realized my haircut and color is identical to Anne Hathaways and I feel like a loser now.

I know this is a way that people seem bizarrely reluctant to put it but: YOU GUYS. WE ARE ELECTING THE FIRST WOMAN PRESIDENT.