Honestly, I could care less if “Peppermint” is good or bad. Jennifer Garner is back kicking ass, and I want to see it.

I hear he developed a taste for bamboo while starring in Don’t Be A Menace To South Central China While Eating Your Bamboo In The Woods.

The part that they left out is that he must be fed every two and a half hours and he eats only bamboo. He is also surprisingly reluctant to reproduce.

I like Amy Schumer fine, I thought she was brilliant five years ago, but for a long time now she seems to demand that we find her “gut-bustlingly hilarious” when she’s settled into being profitably mediocre as a comic. That was her choice , not ours, and I’m not signed on to her shitty attitude that we’re somehow the…

I can’t wait to see the overjoyed look on Captain Holt’s face when he hears the news. I bet it’ll look something like this:

Of course not. You’ve got the very old audience (say, 70 and up), people in comas, people who are both deaf and blind, people in countries where it doesn’t run, people who have their panties permanently in a twist like Mike Pence, the starving hysterical and naked who are dragging themselves through the Negro streets…

Just don’t kiss a random nurse on the street. Its a different time.

People who think all or most servers do a bad job uniformly seem to have very little by way of imagination or empathy.

“Why do servers always check in when my mouth is full?”

Damn, Salty... I liked you already, but what the kids call “savage” really works on you. You should steal bad questions from other sources, if it results in takedowns like this.

A fucking pencil!

You know what’s even cooler? Killing like 3 guys in a bar with a pencil!

I had a lab who would get very upset if his bandana was removed. If it fell off, he’d bring it to me so I could retie it, then he’d shove his head through the loop and go about his merry way. 

No, that dolphin is the hero of the week, stand-up paddleboarders are the rollerbladers of the sea.

In the US we would find a way to take a law meant to stop people from being assholes to one another and turn it into a way to promote an asshole agenda.

Debra had a bum deal. Sure, she was shrill and all, but her husband is a slacker and she has to deal with his mook family from across the street all the time.

My wife and I have been binge-watching Gilmore Girls on Netflix, because we never watched it when it aired, and because people seem to like it. By the end of Season One, it was glaringly obvious that Lorelai Gilmore is a terrible mother who does not belong anywhere near a list like this. Her entire life has been one…

Crichton: "Labor could take days."
Aeryn: "I've killed men for less."

Aeryn Sun from Farscape.