Dude, you need to recalibrate your sarcasm detector.

Male host to male guest:

I read once that Trump thinks Clint Eastwood is the epitome of coolness and the way he squints his eyes tells people that he’s unfuckwitable (or, in reality, he can’t fucking see and needs his glasses). Therefore, Trump convinced Melania that they should squint in all their photos so everyone knows they mean biz-nass.

Exactly. Fuck her and her couture palazzo track pants right to hell. As for the #SaveMelania folks, save it. There are no hidden depths. She is both devoid of all humanity and painfully dumb. She deserves no consideration, no good will and no benefit of the doubt ever again.

Lol “aren’t easily murdered.” I’ve seen you Righties shoot, you sausage-fingered fucks couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn at twenty feet if your cholesterol level depended on it.

If the public mass murderer didn’t have guns the conservative wouldn’t have to masturbate to their fantasy of being the ‘hero.’

Because the safest thing to do in the workplace is to hand each person a gun, which could never go wrong in any way according to conversatives’ shortsightedness.

Shooter is in custody = probably a white guy.

Another great opportunity to do absolutely nothing about guns in our country, that way when a punk band makes a joke about mass shootings, we can all get furious at THEM for making light of tragedy instead of doing anything to prevent it ourselves.

Dumbass in the greys:

Just a murder of journalists potentially incited by the POTUS. Please, stay civil.

I think you are assigning way too much strategic thinking to what he does.  There is a consistent pattern of saying whatever the hell he thinks will make him look best at the moment then either going on the attack with childish bullying when questioned, or, eventually just dropping it and pretending like it never…

Let me tell you a long, sad story about the youngest MVP in league history...

I always tell my meth dealer that it’s for neck pain. He doesn’t care, but I pride myself on honesty.

That explanation did fuck all to improve matters. Lynch is delusional if he thinks Trump will unite country. Trump is the personification of The Jerry Springer Show and Reddit having a baby.

Old Chinese proverb: He who go to bed with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger.

I used to work in an office that had timed breaks. We all took the same break, which meant that the bathrooms were quite busy during those times.

Once, as I was doing my business, I heard a strange noise, a swishing sound coming from the stall next to mine. I realized that the person next to me was in the processing of…

She had to deal with the Capitol Police? Are we seriously at the point where saying “fuck you” to this bloated orange gas bag is treated as potentially criminal?

Hopefully they have Roseanne die because she didn’t have medical coverage after Obamacare was repealed. 

So your solution is to somehow train the entire world to stop being obsessed with their phone and pay attention? I think this is going to turn out to be very difficult. I do hope you succeed though.