Hey Joan, thanks for not running the blind item about celebrities at AA meetings. As a person that’s attended meetings, having your anonymity blown is never cool.

The real scandal here is that Hunter broke up with Hallie. Does no one respect levirate marriage anymore? 

How would you know the difference from his current state? I guess one handed tweeting?

I will believe in both santa and jesus if that happens.

Gladwell is assuming that if parents did complain, Nassar would have been removed. Hilarious!

Or, she’s in a relationship with an abusive shit, who has her all twisted up. We all know the type. And now that fuckface is gonna drag her to hell with him.

A Dimwit Dynasty, if you will

Why did the 90's not get an illustration? Are we just expected to go look up YouTube videos of Lisa Loeb and mentally place them in the article?

When the shouting would not subside, Trump Jr tried—and failed—to argue that taking questions from the floor risked creating soundbites that leftwing social media posters would abuse and distort.

I am delighted that not only was he heckled, he was heckled by conservatives. It’s harder to spin that one.

Yeah the thrift store story is not real. It’s a moderately well written short story but...not real. I wish people would stop treating this as a fiction submission contest, I only want that real shit!

Seriously. That and that humblebrag ass thrift store one. Jesus. “So the fry cook and I saunter over to the 1950's garage and the gentleman confesses to the murder. Quite an odd morning I suppose, but what a great haul!”

I’m surprised the Franny one was picked. It’s so obviously fake.

Guyyyysss, who approved the Ouija board story?

I loved Melwithoutdiner5's story this year. I love that it seems like just a creepy person at first, but then quickly moves into the inhuman/impossible realm. 

The joke is that you can sit on his face without worrying he’ll suffocate.

This is organized Russian trolling/harassment; they are pretending to be a well known progressive Kinja commentor. When you check the name of the account, it's a similar-but-different take on the original. G/o media needs to get on this shit and trace where it's coming from, and pursue every method of mitigating it.

I’d say 35% Dick, 63% tongue, and 2% brain. I think a lot of women can put up with a lot of stupid, if you’re cumming 3 times a day.

True fact: Pete actually has an average penis, but he does have a 9 inch tongue and breathes through his ears.

That is a totally buck-wild interpretation of coming out. You’re essentially arguing that being in the closet is lying, and that people cannot change or grow over time.