To be fair, Drake is 3/5ths of a rapper.

Obama should grow an afro and beard and start yelling about Kenya while quoting Malcolm X just to troll conservatives and the GOP. Might as well have some fun before its all over.

HOTLINE BLINGHAZI!!11!1

Every day he does a few laps around Delaware just to show off.

He's no Diamond Joe Biden.

But I am way more interested to hear Joe Biden's opinions on the best rockabilly musician!

Casual revelations of working for The CW.

Tomsula seemed like a janitor that showed up one day pretending to be an NFL head coach and nobody in the Niners front office double-checked.

Like being a Vikings fan!

—Phillip Park Slope Punxy Simms.

That's like exactly what people say before they get shot.

Playing Pokemon Y caused my to make a spreadsheet tracking the natures and IVs of my various Dittos for breeding purposes.

AMPAS is making up for forgetting people of color exist by also forgetting gay people of any race exist! Proven not racist by the not racist prover!

It was a solid sequel to Freddy Got Fingered.

Everybody involved with this football:
The snappers
the holders
the kickers
You know, Jim,
it's raining now, so I don't care
How much you've rubbed those footballs up!
How good they feel!
This type of rain, it's gonna cause
a problem

—Phillip Montagnon Simms

I want to see Jon Gruden announce a tournament talking about how much he loves every player and using terminology only he knows or understands!

I wanted the Bengals to play and lose to the Jets this post-season! For you, Pops!

The end of the Pittsburgh-Cincy game was a glorious tire fire that perfectly symbolizes the fractured mental state caused by being a Bengals fan.

Don't worry! ESPN is enough of a joke by itself!

I can't wait for ESPN to discover a whole new frontier of hot takes!