My favorite Effie Brown story:

*rubs eyes* Weekend BCO? WEEKEND BCO!!!

It’s the eye of the martyr
It’s the thrill of the Right
Rising up to the challenge of our (Supreme Court) trial
And the last known dissenter
Thinks Jesus supports her plight
And she’s watching us all with the eyeeeeeeeeeee ... of the martyr

Shades of Romulus and Remus.

“...and THAT’S why you should never be a racist, xenophobic, classist asshole.”

So a week after I started this job, a guy who no longer worked at the publication I worked for died in a car accident. I never met him, and he was a copy editor so it wasn’t like I was familiar in any way with him through what he wrote.
But nevertheless, the EOC said everyone needed to go. So I went. And somehow the…

Jonathan Franzen is so far up his own butthole he’s about to create a singularity

Or just answer with “kill a human” before they get to the part after “or”.

Or try to throw off the asker with “would the human or goat be random, or can either be one of my choosing?”

The correct answer would have been to pause thoughtfully for a moment, then say, “Well, I’ve killed people before, and it wasn’t that bad... so, I think I’d kill. I’m not much for goat fucking. I didn’t like that.” And then smile and ask if they’d like to hear the specials for the night.

Or the goat?

If you had to choose one or the other, would you kill a human being or have sex with a goat?”

If I had to kill a random person, I too would pick the goat. But if, say, the other person was Dick Cheney, that’s a different story.

THIS...

“Well, I’ve already done one, guess I’d pick the other...” and then leave him guessing which one.

Is it a bad sign that my reaction to the kill-person/fuck-goat would have just been “Who’s the person?”

Poor Bob, he must have been young. Everyone knows that they want you to pick the goat. Clearly, the only proper response is to look the man very directly in the eye and speak in a nonchalant yet emotionless tone. “Kill the human.”

The answer for Amy’s story is obvious

“If you had to choose one or the other, would you kill a human being or have sex with a goat?”