(Hint: Xanax will help.)

I loved Chris before, and now I love him even more. Hire this man, Denton! (I'm sure payment in pinto beans or whatever the going rate is for GM writers will suffice for an ex-NFL player!) And wtf at half the commentariat being mouthbreathers missing the point of both the series and Chris' parody. I'm one of the olds…

That story is mine. I had to beg my doc for a letter saying it was ok to fly. Came back with a black eye. Yay Philly.

I was born in Waco, Texas, and lived in the Dallas area from 19 to 40. When I moved out here to Southern California, I just tell people I'm from Waco (yes that Waco). It's easier to deal with explaining cults burning up in government standoffs than it is to explain Dallas.

That's just Garrett's blood being drained from his body.

I love this guy's work in the opening scene in Se7en.

This is the worst post-Derby downfall since Barbaro.

As a Cowboys fan, I must speak up for my team. We can out-douchebag the Pats and the Steelers any day of the week.

Most of the graph is at least somewhat reasonable, but the Eagles' and Giants' placements make no sense. The Eagles have been consistently good as an actual team (should be on the left side of the x-axis) and should be no lower than 5th (Pats, Redskins, Cowboys, Raiders) on the douchebag scale, while the Giants…

If Sam doesn't catch on with the Cowboys, I suppose he is always able to join the Indians, Construction Workers, Sailors or Police Officers.

Alright Kansas City, this is your dare to be great moment...

Too bad about the assholes in front, because the one in the back is actually pretty good.

Holy shit, I haven't seen anything from ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER for years. I guess being a Lions fan will do that.

being a fan of the Lions is like living after stepping on a landmine. you're glad to be not dead so you don't want to complain, but in retrospect, things didn't turn out the way you'd hoped.

ZMF's yearly contributions alone are enough to justify this entire exercise.

Jimmy Clausum 41

1. Remember that play last year where the Bears were playing the Vikings, and Cutler ran for a first down, stiff-arming a Vikings defender in the brain in the process? Then he flipped the ball to the guy, and laughed when he got a 15-yard Unsportsmanlike penalty? God, I fucking love Jay Cutler.

2. Also, I'm terrified…

And 13 Championships....BOOM!

God damn Alshon Jeffry's hands. I would let Alshon Jeffry paw at my wife with his hands. Also his name sounds like a villain in Quentin Tarantino movie.