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I personally have “HE WENT TO JARED!!!” lodged in my brain like the spike in Phineas Gage’s head.

My kids love that place, and one of the kids is especially fond of the roast beef. That shit looks like a fucking beef-flavored Fruit Roll Up. Why does it shimmer? The surface of it looks like a fucking oil slick.

Yeah, and what’s up with their cucumbers? All dark green and pickled lookin’, just lyin’ there in their juices! YUCK!!!!

Reminds me of this scene...

Britt McHenry apparently...

Your comment just spawned a thousand Slate articles...

Dear lord I hope Skip Bayless didn’t read your comment...

WHEN IT’S THE GREATEST FAKKIN BAND EVAH CAWKKNOCKUH!!

It’s like a pimple between his eye and his nose spawns a new Muuuh-gary face over and over and over and over...

The mind is horrified but the eyes cannot look away...

In ten or 15 years that shirt is going to end up on an episode of Pawn Stars

"Every 5 minutes from then on out, she came up to me demanding to know why her BCO wasn't ready...

No, you fucking idiot: deadspin.com/tag/boston-bombing

Wait a minute..Barry Petchesky...Barry Obama. OH MY GOD YOU’RE A SECRET MUSLIM TOO!

1. Hit the bathroom and top off your beer with about 3 minutes to go in the half/quarter. You'll skip waiting 10-15 minutes in line. Also, buy 2 beers at a time to save yourself the time of constantly going back.

Ya know, my family was always a Dove family and I was a pimple faced dweeb for a long time. THEN I joined the military. I used other shit because no way was I gonna be the grunt lathering himself up with a Dove beauty bar. Joining the military coincided with the end of my acne and until today I never made the damn…

OMG! Celebrities sitting in front row seats and ending up on camera? IT'S A NEW THING!!!

If you imagine Jordan screaming “KENDALL GEEEEEEEEL” Dee-dee style after posterizing the Hornets, it makes that clip ten times more hilarious...