Oooh, she was married to Sum 41 guy. Then Nickelback guy. Who’s next, Three Days Grace? Are any of them single? Let me be your matchmaker, Avril!!

my animal voice is just not reproducable without an animal around to speak at.

That made me wince and I don’t even have a dick.

“I hope you’re not joking” “Is it really in there?” “Why did you make it?”. I appreciate this kid’s healthy cynicism and wish to subscribe to his newsletter.

I think it’s time we go Lysistrata on their asses.

Yes, far better than I’m capable of, frankly.

I wonder at what point other countries will start accepting asylum requests from Americans who are afraid as hell of our rampant gun violence.

It doesn;t matter how upsetting it is. I don’t remember who said this, but someone said recently that America’s gun debate ended at Sandy Hook. Because if we didn’t change then we never will. We accept child sacrifice for gun rights.

Now that we’ve covered the sort of news story that seems most appropriate for “Sick, Sad World,”

News at 9 : White person wants to exploit Third World Browns for own enlightenment.

Can we do this for real? Can we have a little JezeCon and make a big grownup ball pit with lots of NEW balls that little kids haven’t put all their little kid germs on?

We're snakes in a pit now? Where have I been? I thought we were still lesbian shit asses. Sorry guys, I have some redecorating to do.

I, as a snake living in the online gossip pit Jezebel and commenting with an alarming frequency while I should be doing work, would just like to say there’s nowhere I’d rather be.

I once sat next to a girl at the movies who produced, seemingly out of nowhere, a steaming hot bowl of French onion soup and proceeded to loudly slurp it for the first 15 minutes of the movie. It was the weirdest and most impressive damn thing I’ve ever seen in my life.

I’m curious, were the numbers they discussed like a size measurement? Or like...she now has the vagina of a 16 year old? Like...I kind of want to go see if there is a doctor that can give me the butthole of a 12 year old and I can hit up the Vatican.

Notmyboleyn#

THIS WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS AND HONESTLY PROBABLY TOP TEN ESSAYS I HAVE EVER READ ON THIS SITE I LEGIT CRIED LAUGHING

In other words, he’s being let go for saying, out loud, what a bunch of people in the fashion industry say about women behind closed doors.

I have the world’s best behaved chihuahua in the world. He is not a service animal. He cannot help me do anything other than finish my lunch. But I don’t let him help with that!

You just know that little noggin smells like unicorns and rainbows. YUM.