Same here. The headline definitely made me go, “What’s happening in Florida now?”

It’s the Sandra Lee Kwanzaa cake of necklaces.

I think what bothers me about this story is her immigration status. I know a lot of people from unstable countries overstay their visas or enter the country illegally and that I understand. But some rich French woman doing because what the heck, she feels like it really irks me. And then just getting deported for a…

I had cause recently to change my voter affiliation to Republican (I’m most decidedly NOT a Republican, but the reasons were good, I promise). When I mentioned it to my parents over dinner while visiting them, my dad silently stood up, took my plate of food off the table, and fed it to their dog.

I recklessly and fearlessly go over them like a drunk 5 year old, but always before a bath or shower. The polish on the skin lifts off pretty easily after that.

I do not want commercials to remind me of how gross we all are once or twice a day

I saw this toilet paper commercial the other day where this woman was asking random people if they wiped well enough to go commando, and I was genuinely uncomfortable. It takes a lot to embarrass me, but damn. That did it.

Let’s list people who talk about bloodlines:

Seriously, how about a little gratitude?! If it weren't for the Masonic Police Department (est. 1100 bc) who would protect us from the Reptilians that currently run our government?!

We also attended games at Dad’s alma mater, but we did it every home game, rain, snow, or shine.

One year, it was raining so much we couldn’t see the field. There were several players injured in that game, sliding into dangerous pile-ups.

He wasn’t going to be kept away and my mother said he couldn’t possibly let us get…

Dadly behaviors.

Mine stands in front of the television shifting from foot to foot and mumbling whatever the television is saying.

Your go.

Oh, Natasha, we get it. You’re still closer to Teen than Exhausted Parent. But trust me this article will come back to haunt you in some way.

I never wore makeup growing up at all because I wasn’t pretty and I felt like the only way to deal with it was to consciously reject beauty because then I could be like ‘I’m not plain because I’m plain, I’m plain because I’m actually too intellectual and refined to care about your shallow aesthetic concerns ACTUALLY’.…

Oh, man, especially with period shits? I usually eschew wet wipes, but every three weeks I’m like, “It all hurts so fucking much just give me the soft dampness on my holes!” Also magnificent for those times you inexplicably have blood smudges on your thighs from insertion/removal but aren’t in a situation where you…

This is really unnecessary.

Ma’am, if you want to pray, go to church .

Thanks, Jane. I feel I've been "How to Be a Girl"ed with less how-to and more what-to. And, the same requisite wine swilling.

Update: I have bad ethics.

I'll fingerspoon hummus if I'm home alone after midnight. Often, with sriracha.

Drink the shake, Farrah. People can order a mold of your cooter on Amazon. There’s nowhere to go but up.