Erin wins. The Dairy Queen adds the appropriate Wisco touch, as well.

hahahaha I'm a CNA in a nursing home and mystery shit is the best! One time when I was working 2nd shift I found a trail of poop leading from some lady's room across the hall to the bathroom. I called my coworker over and we started trying to scrub it out of the carpet and just started cracking up laughing. The old…

did you become a surgeon after that?

You know they're using maggots in medicine now? They will put them on a wound like a decubitus and the maggots will clean up all the dead tissue and leave it clean without the medical staff having to very painfully debride the wound.

I don't understand!! How did the maggots get INSIDE her breast?! I think this is the worst thing I've ever heard.

Grandpa was a country doctor who was always the first to get a call after a serious accident. A truck full of farm workers had taken a corner too fast and men were flung out all over the road. One guy was killed after landing head first on the pavement, leaving chunks of his skull and brains on the sidewalk in front…

This isn't something I experienced, rather it is something I dealt with. Not sure if that counts, but I'm gonna go for it anyways.

Ah, the guy who came in with a horribly inflamed colostomy, turns out it had every STD known to man.

I have two I gross stories so I'll make them short and sweet.

My FIL reattaches limbs for a living (he's essentially a very specialized trauma surgeon). His home office is full of thousands of slides and photos of random dismembered arms and legs. I am afraid to enter this room. He would win this contest, severed hands down.

...I've seen a mummy get a fiber optic cable shoved up it's ass, and what the fiber optic was looking at. I was 12. It was summer camp.

I feel mine will pale in comparison to a nurse's stories because well severed heads and cysts but HERE GOES: my dad had ankle surgery for gout a few years ago, and a few weeks post op he came down with a fever. Hoping and praying that it was unrelated, he took some aspirin and went to sleep. When he woke up, his…

Sorry, kids. I am NOT playing this game. I already know I could win this thing far too easily and none of you would EVER be the same again.

Five years ago I was escorting a nuclear engineer out of Iran, someone shot out my tires near Odessa. We lost control, went straight over a cliff, I pulled us out. But the Winter Soldier was there. I was covering my engineer, so he shot him straight through me. ... Bye-bye bikinis. And oh my, what a mess.

My mom is a surgical nurse and I'm sure all other nurses will beat me at this, but I will always remember my mom's helpful conversation with me while I was on the bus home from class. This was in the early 2000s when "anal virgins" were trending as a social topic:

I had a plantar wart removed from the bottom of my foot (because where else would a plantar wart be in the first place?). The doctor (who thought he was a bigger smart ass than me) held it out to me on a gauze pad and said to me, "Do you want this."

Ooooh. I have one.

the time my gynocologist tried to set me up with her son. MID-EXAM

In the army you can get UCMJ(uniform code of military justice) action against you for getting a sunburn. "Damage to government property". I shit you not.

But... who is going to make sure little Timmy gets his 3 o'clock caviar?!