Which is not to be confused with Fucking, New Jersey.

My partner is in NJ right now on business. I keep texting him to make sure he’s ok.

So this guy’s entire professional career has been peppered with morally questionable and ethically sketchy shit, yet the thing that derails him is a (no doubt) poorly lit, shaky cellphone video (shot in portrait) of him making like The Beast With Two Backs?

God, America truly is a nation of puritanical pukes.

“My phone was stolen in Canada and out of my control for about 24 hours.”

“The key to this situation seems to be, as DNAinfo reports, the fact that Dillon has a math degree and an MBA, and had never worked in customer service before being ordered onto his help desk post three years ago.”

IF YOU DON’T DO WHAT I SAY GOD IS GOING TO CURSE WITH YOU WITH TWELVE HOURS OF DARKNESS, STARTING IN *looks in almanac* ABOUT EIGHT AND A HALF HOURS!!!!!!!!

Discount Paul Newman.

*high fives fellow NASA sufferer*

Maybe I’m just a misanthrope, but the last thing I want to feel in a work out is “the warm embrace of a friend.” Don’t touch me. Don’t talk to me. Don’t even look at me. Just let me sweat and suffer in peace.

Sorry. It just freaking kills me that there are, you know, VOTERS who believe this shit. It’s like the idiots who believe that climate scientists are all involved in some mass conspiracy to positively review each others’ papers and keep those sweet government research funding dollars rolling in.

AHAHAHAHAHAHA*sob*...

I know one empty cranium that could have used that tiny foetus brain.

I’ve seen a video of an illegal extraterrestrial alien autopsy. It’s legs were kicking, it was breathing, and someone said “keep it alive we need to harvest it’s brain.”

Dude I just commented elsewhere that Gummy Bears are my candy of choice. I do prefer the Whole Foods’ agave ones b/c they taste so damn good and the texture is so perfect but like... I know they’re candy. It cracks me up how some people think that just because something is sold at Whole Foods it’s automatically good…

Fucking NDAs man

i know...... i wanted to ask about taylor swift secrets but... i got the distinct sense that chico had, literally or metaphorically or physically because he’s a horse that can’t talk, signed an NDA

nah man i got a READ on the horse and the horse was like, just about his pasture/t-swift/wedding life!

JIA DO YOUR DOG NEXT!!

Chico is holding back! We want the truth!!