i can't currently listen to this bc of my dumb job but frankly i assume it sounds like angels singing a song while being conducted by jesus.

I once - and this is not an exaggeration - went on an OkCupid date with a guy who spoke in an Australian accent the entire time and told me he was from Perth (like literally had an entire life's story centered around being from there). The next time I saw him, he spoke in an American accent and apologized for…

Sorry I'm going with fuck NPH, marry Anderson Cooper, and kill Andy Cohen. Anderson Cooper is intelligent and has that sweet, savory Vanderbilt money.

Normally, I'm of the opinion that comments section of a Dirt Bag should be flippancy and snark, but if I were being sexually assaulted by my manager? I'd probably have a weird relationship with my ladybits, too. Would I say they were haunted? Add drugs and alcohol to the mix, and I just might.

Regardless of whether…

Again unclear on why any of this precludes a person from being sexually assaulted.

Oh you just know, "certain otherwise reasonable Jezebel commenters" are about to light up the comments section with "How can white privelage exist if i don't get everything I want 100 percent of the time."

I'm also a fan of Making A Scene which, in England at least, makes most pick-up pricks lumber off into the horizon. I'm really quite shy, but if someone won't stop harrassing me, I'll force myself to say in a a voice penetrating enough to make dogs put their paws over their ears, "YOU ARE MAKING ME UNCOMFORTABLE."…

Why is it always the woman's job to be nice a.k.a. give a man what he wants? Never is it the man's responsibility to be nice a.k.a. give a woman what she wants which is to be left alone.

A real missed opportunity for a "Drunk in Louvre" headline.

I love pumpkin and pumpkin spice. I am not sorry and I don't feel bad about it. It is definitely being skewered because it is seen as something women enjoy.

National discourse on bacon: Haha, bacon is the best! So manly, my dudebro! Bacon cake! Bacon donuts! Bacon bandaids!

I'm so tired of the "pumpkin spice backlash." I swear I hear more grumbling about how pumpkin spice is everywhere than I ever have about actual pumpkin spice products (and of course pumpkin spice is mostly bad because it's perceived as being "for girls," and girls like dumb things like comfortable slipper boots and…

People, feminist or not, don't find every joke a person says funny. Comedy is subjective and just because people don't laugh at one kind of joke doesn't mean they never laugh every at jokes. "Feminist are humorless" is just another charge made by people who never believed in equality to begin with, similar to…

Quick preemptive strike: 3 thinks about mental health and sex abuse which you should consider before commenting.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

It's funny, because I want Wendy Williams to just shut up in general.

Really? Mad? More exasperated, the step-sister emotion of overwhelmed and confused. He blended his two emotions so well that it was like a new one!

I would look for one, but I don't even know which issue the original obnoxious white guy appeared in because I am a fake geek girl.

This isn't a fedora, it's a trilby. Anybody who wears a trilby but calls it a fedora is pretty much guaranteed to be a douche.

Stand in front of a mirror.