May God grant you the serenity to accept the dicks you cannot change.

My mom teaches small children and occasionally uses a Count Von Count puppet (from Sesame Street) when working with math/numbers. She does the voice, the accent, the whole nine yards; the kids love it.

She fucking CLOCKED A KNIFE-WIELDING PSYCHO WITH HER BACKPACK. I want to pay that little girl's full 4-year college tuition right now.

Can we please shake this idea that's suddenly floating around that mental illness automatically means you're not responsible for your actions? There's a very small set of non-lucid mentally ill people who are truly not responsible for making the choice of whether or not to be violent. If you're capable of making the…

My name is Kenny... and I'm a cockoholic. I haven't had a man in three days.

I realize this man has a likely mental disorder, which is an entirely different kettle of fish and level of culpability.

Smile! Because baby/honey/gurrrl, you're too pretty to look sad, and you should focus on whether or not your face is pleasing to men.

But don't smile too much, or we'll have to kill you.

Never say I don't love you.

Some guy tried to break in my sister's house and when we called the police we were all cowering in the hallway, terrified, clutching the cats and her dog, praying that we would not be murdered and my sister was just chatting away with the 911 operator about all kinds of bullshit. In the middle of the call, she turned…

Yeah, when you uptalk and/or modify and soften your opinions with "like" or "I mean" or "you know" it's a way to show that you're not married to your opinions and that you're open to hearing other people out. Sometimes I even TYPE "like" to convey "I don't necessarily know what I'm talking about and I'm open to being…

You want to know what to do? Get out of your fucking house. Period. If it's just you. If you are there with others, lock yourselves in a bathroom and call the police. I'm going to tell you right now, as an expert on close-quarters combat, you would die 99 out of 100 if someone like me invaded your home, regardless of…

I heard a great argument about gun safety that I think makes a lot of sense. We just need to regulate and drastically overprice ammunition. If possible, make it so that ammunition comes with serial numbers and then have the purchaser of said ammo recorded as such.

The problem with that is that the 2nd Amendment was never about personal weapons. It is, as it explicitly says, about a militia. It's about the National Guard. Which is borne out by both the discussion surrounding it and the actions taken by its authors after its establishment. It is NOT about personal weapons. I hate…

I think it's important to note that easy access to guns isn't necessarily what's causing these shootings. Obviously, making it more difficult to get guns is a good start, but there are countries in which many citizens are armed (like Switzerland, for example) that don't have this problem.

I guess what I'm trying to say…

When I was in grade seven, a kid was suspended for having a pocket knife and I remember the majority of the school making dumb jokes about how you can kill with a pencil through the eye, so they should suspend us all!!LOL!!1!

Guns don't kill people, people kill people. (But much easier with guns but that's TOTALLY beside the point)

BREAKING NEWS: Domestic violence is no more. Sources say that reports of domestic disputes have dropped to zero.

#NotAllDolphins

He's like a modern day version of those wealthy young upper class Victorian prettyboys who have the time and resources to self indulgently dabble in a lot of different artistic ventures but aren't exactly brilliant at any one thing in particular.

Sorry, Iggy and Lorde, not buying it. If there's one thing Flight of the Conchords taught me it's that New Zealanders and Australians are naturally bitter enemies.