When my ex went through a bitter break up he called me and tearfully said that he felt like he was living in The Truman Show and that he was Jim Carey and I was the cute brunette girl he always wanted to be with but couldn’t.

“I would never ...” = “I didn’t realize there would be consequences for my actions.” Which is why we are seeing an uptick in racist and anti-Semitic acts; people are getting the message that they can get away with it.

Taraji just has this overwhelming sexiness that, as an anxious person, I can’t understand. I wouldn’t be able to leave my house knowing people would be looking at me all the time.

I’ve asked this before, but when did it become no longer a thing where Nazis are the definitive bad buys? I mean I grew up watching Indiana Jones & Captain America punch Nazis in the face and everyone cheered. How is this a thing?

This is one of my favorite responses to the whole celebrities-shouldn’t-talk-about-politics thing:

In the song “Vertigo” Bono sings uno, dos, tres, CATORCE. Many people think he’s just counting to four but he’s actually singing 1,2,3, 14!!!! which makes no fucking sense.

SAme here. I’m in my second quarter at school, and I’ve been completely useless. I alternate between massively consuming news and sinking into deep pits of anxiety and depression. I am seriously worried about my grades at this point.

“We’re doing a lot of interviews tomorrow — generals, dictators, we have everything.”

I’m no fashion expert, but I swear to God half of this looks exactly like what my mother was wearing in the 80s and the other half looks like what people were doing in the 90s and none of it looks new or original to me at all. It looks like the stuff I can currently pick up at the Goodwill for $3.50 a piece.

Speaking of Fox News, look at this shit::

You can always tell when a dress shirt was designed by someone who has not ironed anything ever or in a very long time.

And really bad mascara.

By putting her back on the air all they are doing is validating alternative facts. They should blacklist her if she lacks credibility. I believe the colloquialism is, “Don’t feed the troll.”

J.K. Rowling isn’t fucking around.

When I was 7 years old I wrote something kind of shitty in a note and got caught, the first thing my parents said was ‘NEVER put shit like that in writing’.

“Artist’s rendering of White House transition of power. Image via Kensington Palace/The British Monarchy.”

Oh, don’t worry— as long as your ovaries are still firing, they’ll take you! And a 27-year-old uterus is prime prime prime real estate. You’d get farmed out to somebody WAY high-up in the Drumpf Cabal, that’s for sure.

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHGGGGGHHHHH WHERE’S THE BRAIN BLEACH