@avclub-bbb04f2a70775131fa0397bbdb4c03de:disqus : Who do you know that ever bothers to answer a jury duty  summons in the first place? I'm a citizen, damn it! I shouldn't have to put up with this nonsense!

For the most part, the Oscars would benefit from a writing staff with an extremely dark and cruel sense of humor.

It’s suddenly occurred to me to that, as romance increasingly begins to cloud the air I breathe like some gently wafted perfume, I’ve begun posting less and less around here. “Am I beginning to lose my edge?” I rhetorically asked myself. “Am I trading the glory of an animal for a tail-coat and a set of ideas? Will I…

I wasn't aware they made an inflatable love-doll of Ötzi the Iceman.

When news of this was announced, Conan's audience broke into wild cheering, which lasted for roughly a minute. Conan then joked that the audience had applauded for eight hours, and Andy laughed off-camera. An awkward pause ensued.

People who are currently rich, mind you. Which means your family history is absolutely worthless on your application form if you're one of the "nouveau poor" and have been disowned by your surviving relatives.

The surprisingly addictive and potent narcotic known as tar heroin?

So Gary Busey is apparently the Nicholas Cage of analog technology and woven-bead rugs, apart for the distinguishing factor that, instead of donning mystical voodoo blackface to channel Baron Samedi and the spirits of the Loa for his upcoming movie roles, he just bares his grotesque enamel façade to the point that he…

Any actor can just sob like a baby when their character is thrown into a holding cell. It takes a thespian of infinite quality to actually howl the word "Boo-hoo!" like a deranged, coked-out owl.

In general, crowds love a man with a tiny penis going crazy onstage.

…Aaaand it's officially the weekend. If your manager says otherwise, clothesline that ugly asswipe in the throat and run out the front door, because we're all going to the beach!

It's been done, believe it or not.

Dick DeBartolo, however, remains alive and as unfunny as ever.

I know. It's beautiful.

I could watch an attractive blond woman get frantically pecked by crazed birds… but I'd also like to see an inarticulate eight-minute lecture about solar power. How can I experience the best of both worlds?

Speaking as someone who personally happens to be on good terms with him, I have to say he's a little bit of both. Granted, he's not particularly articulate or educated, but he's damn cunning when he wants to be, and I've caught him playing dumb on numerous occasions. Add in the fact that he's a 8-foot tall cannibal…

Erik Sprague?

Well, that's a comfort.

Excellent work, everyone! Exemplary penmanship and sentence structure, I might add. It almost makes me regret to inform you that you've all failed, and are generally about as stupid as a pallet of bricks with a fine arts degree from Vassar.

Character truly is what you are in the dark.