Most of his income is actually derived from the "swear jar" he keeps on set to maintain a family-friendly atmosphere. That's why he keeps hiring Chris Rock.

That's more or less how Keith David reacted to his agent when he was told he'd be playing the part of Madea's much-younger boyfriend.

Apparently, it was some kind of Los Angeles police procedural in 2002, starring perennial B-lister Donnie Wahlberg. God bless you, Dogpile.com!

I don't quite feel up to this, but here goes.

Roving gangs of meth-head chavs from Essex, who are now no longer the absolute worst people in Britain?

If you want some entertainment to go along with your feminist philosophy, you could just watch lesbian porn instead. It's not like anyone here is going to judge you for it.

Truly, NBC has become what once was Fox.

It may be another "pointedly exaggerated" example, but I accidentally saw Things To Do In Denver When You're Dead when I was eight.

God, these FUCKIN' LIPS!

You do realize you're talking about a war where the U.S. Government conducted genetic experiments to create an elite commando squad of horror movie monsters that fought alongside a sentient android, right?

Time for a story again? My goodness, how the clock flies!

It's a good thing Oxford is here so he can explain the concept of a tontine to us.

"Hulkster In Heaven" is just the kind of syrupy, painfully sincere ballad that patriotic Midwesterners can't get enough of. The lyrics will be slightly altered, to reflect how 9/11 tore America's shirt and its heart.

"The stuffed goddess was a nauseous sight, withered and eaten away, but it was clearly a mummified white ape of some unknown species, less hairy than any recorded variety, and infinitely nearer mankind — quite shockingly so."

Desired some lighter reading this weekend, so I breezed through Emile Cioran's nihilist classic The Inconvenience of Being Born. Not exactly the type of book you'd bring to the beach, but I've never enjoyed the seaside anyway.

Newt, Newt, the piper's son,
Stole a pig, and then ate it.

Any press is good press, I suppose. Of course, the best press of all would involve Dane Cook screaming for his life as a hydraulic car compactor slowly mashes him into a sticky red paste.

I'm a huge fan of QI, simply because appearing on the show either gives comedians a measure of intellectual credibility or reveals them for the simpering idiots they are. You can't get that anywhere else.

He's got a lot of nerve to try riding on American Psycho's coattails. You haven't earned the right to rip off Bret Easton Ellis, Mr. Cook, and you never will.

"As to an on going prolonged derangement game playing and self promoting at my demise." That's the most beautifully mangled syntax I've ever seen. I already feel like dusting off my old Zero Wing cartridge.