I'd like to see a version of Citizen Kane with pterodactyls everywhere, not just in that scene with the beach party.

Whenever the Muppets make guest appearances on talk shows these days, it's usually some insipid fluff piece. Orson, however, chose to take the straight-faced "hardball" approach.

You may scoff, but I'll have you know it promotes healthy follicle growth. That's why it's okay to give parents a weird look if their baby has a full head of hair.

Someone's forgetting that sexy, sexy hand-holding action in "Apokalips Now!", I think.

Ashton Kutcher is… nobody. He's a tramp. A bum. A hobo. He's a boxcar and a jug of wine. And a straight razor if you get too close.

I don't know… when a lady performs that gesture, it just seems to lose emphasis, rather than gain it by subverting traditionally held beliefs of feminine decorum. Disappointing.

That little dialogue scene was actually re-hashed for Holy Terror, believe it or not. Presumably, Frank Miller has been told by so many women he is physically repulsive that it's become his new fetish.

Yes, dear, Starfire is pretty and well-mannered. Just like you, now that I think about it. I bet you two would be very good friends.

@avclub-bf7565206c35f79480e514fcb8681516:disqus : Oh, pish-tosh. If I'm going to ridicule someone's appearance, they might as well be terribly vain. That way, I claim a slight fraction of the moral high ground.

But can a member of a shape-shifting race even be considered male? How do we know Martians aren't hermaphrodites, choosing whichever sex they favor, and are therefore susceptible to a poison which targets the Y chromosome? Is it too much to believe that someone who can accurately mimic the human body can fall ill to…

Can Ringo still be considered the "ugly one"? I mean, for Christ's sake, at least he appears to be a regular human being. This freak looks as if a wax mannequin left near the radiator just sprouted puppy-dog eyes.

Uncle John's 24 Karat Gold Bathroom Reader, continuing an unbroken streak of first-edition purchases.

At long last, and certainly not without an element of risk, the lady and I have returned to dear old Gotham. Dollmaker’s “family”, persistent if nothing else, had managed to suss out our temporary living quarters, and the obnoxious little shit began mailing death threats to our local P.O. box – quite nasty little…

Those cymbals just reminded me of that goddamn "electric space fiddle" in Starship Troopers. That can't be a good sign.

The A.V. Club is the snarker of the world.

Well, unprecedented success in the music industry tends to intensify personality traits which could already be considered extreme. For most of the members of Led Zeppelin, that "mud shark" incident was a one-off thing, but Jimmy Page became obsessed by the concept of pleasuring women with fish.

Has Snoop Dogg been locked in his ivory tower of stardom for so long that he is now painfully out-of-touch with what constitutes a "real situation", or has he actually driven a van made of pot across the Mexican border? Discuss.

Look at that radiant smile! That girl's doing it all, and showing up everyone who ever tried to bring her down!

"Local wife-beater and convicted felon Punch was executed today by hanging for the murder of Policeman Joey, his infant son and a sausage-eating crocodile. At last report, Punch was thrashing the Devil with an enormous stick in an attempt to get out of Hell. More details as events unfold."

That sentiment will be the scourge of countless FaceBook walls across the Internet in the following weeks, right next to those little sarcastic musings blaming recent environmental catastrophes on gay marriage, socialism, papists and the like.