William H. Macy as Vic the Slick, a soft-spoken car salesman who gets laid off and desperately turns to crime to provide for his family. Now that's how you win an Oscar.

This actually has me legitimately sad. I'll be sure to pour out a bucket of stage blood at the nearest street corner.

Graphic, pointless violence needs to make a comeback in today's comic strips. How else will children learn how to butcher a cow?

…Or Bela Lugosi as "Bela the Gypsy". Really stretched on that one, didn't they?

The original film isn't half as good as everyone claims, and I found watching it for the first time rather jarring. Talbot's father acts every bit the genteel European aristocrat he was supposed to be, but Lon Chaney Jr. sounds like some corn-fed twit from Muskogee. The hell?

Who doesn't like chimps? Apart from anyone who's actually seen the vicious, throat-tearing little buggers in person, that is?

Just wait until Michael Gambon shows up and sires a bastard child with your lady fair. You'll be whistling a key in the tune of poison, my friend.

There is not a day that goes by where I don't wish I was in my parents' arms again. I never got a chance to tell them how much I truly loved them before they died. I couldn't even comfort them in their final moments, to let them know that I cared.

I was but a young lad, sitting alone on the couch, watching the broadcast solely for the commercials. Suddenly, I caught what would be my only spontaneous glimpse of breasts for several years. My parents later came in to check on me, and asked why I had a sofa pillow on my lap. But my brother just stared.

Katherine Jackson: "Won't someone think of the Jews, and how there are far too many?"
Joe Jackson: (wakes up suddenly) "Too many Jews!" (falls back asleep)

You know I don't keep secrets from you lovely people; it's just that Disqus is acting up. (I know, I know, you're shocked, but let me finish.)

La, la, la, la, linoleum!

Well, I gotta punch somebody! You know where Job is?

I've never seen Chris Martin in anything but fingerless gloves and ragged tinhorn-dictator jackets, so I just assumed he was a Victorian street urchin.

Sagely Old Mystic: Darkness is coming. We must all take a stand.

Audition's a pretty cute little romantic comedy, up until we see what she's keeping in that sack.

…Yes.

It is not heresy… and I will not recant.

Yes, but do they rap? I'm looking to get my money's worth here.

It's called a long-term payoff, ladies. How long can a zombie remain ambulatory and murderous? Five years, tops? The stock market is a fickle beast, and vampires live for centuries. That's security for you.