Pretty harsh stuff, though I can't claim to not like the "self-inflating raft" simile.

I would suggest looking at The Lost Continent and The Life and Times of the Thunderbolt Kid. Bryson begins the first snarkily, but comes to a mellow fondness for his hometown by the end, and the second book is very lauditory of Des Moines and his experiences there.

You suffer from a disease called Diminished Gluteal Syndrome or "DGS."

I am the Penguin.

"This song freaks me out, man. I mean, what did they throw off the fucking Tallahatchie Bridge?"

Within the "Springtime for Hitler" sequence, I always laugh at the cut to the audience watching slack-jawed and appalled.

Oh, thank you very much! A shot in the face. How nice.

Like climate-change naysayers who crow about “global warming” in the midst of an eight-month winter, critics of the reality genre often get hung up on the label as opposed to the content.

Transparent was so bad that I now reflexively avoid Jay Duplass and, by association, Mark Duplass and people who look like Jay Duplass. Is this leading me to miss out on anything worthwhile?

He killed fitty men.

I got the Lord! I got the Lord! I got the good Lord, he's going down on me!

Wolf Cola: the right cola for closure.

Any interest in ranking the NES Megman titles?

That's a bizarre issue to have with a TV show, but accomodating your taste, I'd suggest trying "Author, Author" or "Our Father Whose Art Ain't Heaven". No farcical misunderstandings there, just good character work.

Putting the Cranes first on this list does not make up for the unforgivable omission of Frasier from your "Best Sitcom Episodes of the Last 25 Years" articles.

Yes, I do realize that he was quoting a friend, but the context indicates that the author agrees with the sentiment.

[A] cat is a ruthless, calculating predator, a hunter with only the barest trappings of domestication. A cat rarely comes when you call, and hardly ever seems happy to see you.

*But accidentally addresses it to Drew Carey*

"Somebody…stop me!"

This is third-hand, but: my friend's parents went to law school at the University of Chicago and had Scalia as a professor. According to my friend's father, "He was as big of an asshole then as he is now."